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Nevada Eliminates Higher Education

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by Schubert Lovenkraft
Freelance Writer

Retail outlets will bid for space in UNLV's iconic buildings.

In a decision that has seemed increasingly inevitable in recent years, the Nevada legislature voted today to eliminate all higher education in the state of Nevada by the end of the fiscal year.  “In the end, we just couldn’t come up with enough good reasons to keep it,” explained Majority Leader Allen Toadstool (R – Henderson).  “All of our brightest students go to school out of state and don’t come back, and the vast majority of our most successful citizens are transplants anyway.”

Shari Wright-Angle, former Republican candidate for the U.S. Senate applauded the move. “You don’t need college to rope a steer or make it big on the strip. It’s the perfect example of big government overreach. I went to college and I haven’t used that stuff in 30 years.”

The biggest savings from the move may come from the cancellation of the Millennium Scholarship, a grant program originally intended to pay in-state tuition for every Nevada high school graduate who wants to go to college. “When you give kids money to pay for college, they aren’t motivated to work,” said former Governor, Jim Gibsons. “We need more people like that working road construction.”

The California State University system has already expressed interest in accommodating those Nevadans who might seek to earn college credit. “We foresaw this possibility of a new revenue stream several months ago and have already been recruiting heavily in the Reno and Las Vegas schools,” said Jerrod Billingsley, Dean of Admissions at the system’s newest campus, Cal State-Boise.

Meanwhile, plans are already in the works to convert the UNLV campus into a mall.  “The student center just needs an anchor store. It’s already got a food court, a movie theater, a Barnes & Noble, and a Spencer’s Gifts,” said Las Vegas Assistant Director of Urban Development, Marsha Madley. “Our professional sports team, the Runnin’ Rebels, can continue to play in the existing stadium and arena.”

Dr. Mark Philistine, a professor of biology at the University of Nevada and chair of its faculty senate, said most faculty in the University of Nevada System have not given too much thought to the decision, although they are trying to keep and open mind. “It really doesn’t matter for us. We’ve got tenure.”