by Schubert Lovenkraft
In a stunning display of higher education’s transformative potential, “Jersey Shore” star Mike Sorrentino, a.k.a. “The Situation,” announced at today’s Season 4 press conference that he would be leaving MTV’s record-grossing reality show to attend Staten Island College (SIC) and pursue an Associate’s Degree in sociology. Sorrentino attributed much of his decision to his experience traveling with the show to Miami Beach and Italy. “I didn’t know people could be so different… like the girls in Jersey and the girls in Italy. Totally not the same – except when they party.”
The Situation has benefited substantially from the success of “Jersey Shore” to the tune of over $5 million, so a college degree doesn’t seem to be a necessary part of planning for a future career. However, Sorrentino expressed an oddly predictable degree of forethought in making this announcement.
“With all my endorsements, my agent says I need more social skills for partying with the suits, so we found a college that had a degree in that,” said Sorrentino. “There are a lot of smart girls in this business. Now I’ll be ready to hook up with the hot ones.”
Direct of Admissions Stanley Shevelhengst says that SIC would welcome Sorrentino with all the support services they can provide should he choose to apply. “We haven’t heard from him yet. But he would look great in our apparel.”
When asked how this decision might affect his late-night lifestyle or his famous rock-hard abs, Sorrentino seemed unusually reflective. “Maybe I won’t always have this awesome six pack, or maybe I’ll have to wear a shirt to class. Maybe I’ll have to not go out clubbing on Mondays. But sometimes The Situation’s got to do what’s best for The Situation.”
Although Sorrentino has not yet applied for college, he says he has already begun preparing for the transition from beaches to books. “I already found an awesome tutor who can do my homework and write papers. He even found me a new nickname, ‘cause I will still be The Situation but in a different situation. He said there is a phrase for that in what I’m going to study – “situated context” or something like that. So that is what the college girls can call me – ‘The Situated Context.’ The SC, baby! Its like The Situation goes to college.”