Political Scientist Receives Grant from GOP to Create Perfect Candidate

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by Matthew Michael
Freelance Writer

Thanks to funding from a Republican Party grant, Gaightes College political scientist Dr. Robert Q. Heller has created the perfect candidate to run against Barack Obama in 2012: Donele Bachrump.

Bachrump, a Frankenstinian-Manchurian candidate, was created from the genetic material and political leanings of current high profile Republicans, Michele Bachmann and Donald Trump.

Heller explained that this was the first such candidate he had created.

I was sick of those pompous pinheads in the physics department referring to us [the political science department] as a ‘soft science,’” said Heller. “So I decided to do some of the supposed real, hard science and splice some DNA together.”

Heller added, “Trump’s hair is so famous you can easily buy pieces of it on ebay but with Bachmann I had to be a little more creative to get the DNA I needed.”

After hearing Michele Bachmann tell her Tea Party and Birther Movement followers that the first thing she would do in a presidential debate is offer her birth certificate, Heller had an idea.

I emailed Ms. Bachmann,” Heller continued, “and introduced myself as a political scientist conducting cutting-edge research in DNA verification of the nationalities of political candidates.”

I received a vial of her blood in the mail the next week with a note stating—and this is a quote—that she had ‘nothing to hide’ in her ‘red-blooded, American blood that is red and blue, but mostly red, like the great flag we serve.’”

Heller has caught flack from many of his colleagues at Gaightes College, all of whom are registered Democrats, for giving such a boost to the Republican Party’s efforts to unseat President Obama. They fear that Bachrump’s ability to raise and manage money and its ability to spew ridiculous-but-somehow-folksy-and-endearing half truths will make it a formidable opponent to Obama.

Critics also contend, there are the identity politics wrapped up in Bachrump being the first androgynous candidate that will distract voters from President Obama’s unique position as the first black President.

Look,” Heller responds. “Of course I’m a Democrat. I’d be unemployable in higher education if I weren’t. But sometimes you have to follow the money. The Republicans were willing to pay so I gave them what they wanted.”

Bachrump is not yet giving interviews with the press as Dr. Heller is still tweaking the candidate’s ability to decipher nuances in political positions. However, Dr. Heller did release the following three priorities which will make up Bachrump’s 2012 presidential platform.

Bachrump’s Platform:

  1. Pass legislation to officially ban the teaching of Ebonics and Spanish in American Schools [Legislation tentatively referred to as “Don’t Axe if ya Don’t Spell” or “DOLA: the Defense of Language Act”]
  2. Pass legislation to officially ban Public Schools in America
  3. Invade more Muslim countries