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Obituary for Cronknews Intern Erica Price

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Doctors predict that Erica will never emerge from her coma, and if she does she will no longer understand how to make a simple paperclip necklace.

While the parents of former unpaid CronkNews intern Erica Price have chosen not to remove life support from their brain dead daughter, we have decided we need a sense of closure so we can find someone new. Sadly, dry cleaning does not deliver itself.

In our grief, we were unable to write a proper obituary, but cub reporters Natasha Hopkins and Dr. Clifford Beauchamp responded to our plea and submitted beautiful tributes.

by Dr. Clifford Beauchamp
Duquesne University

It is with great sadness that the CronkNews staff reports the untimely passing of our intern, Miss Erica Price. Miss Price slipped into a deep coma from which doctors predict no chance of recovery. The coma was brought on early this week after a soft blow to her neck from a blender.

We will all quietly remember Erica Price as the idiotic CronkNews intern. She showed up on our doorstep with only a brain and her oily ponytail. During her unpaid tenure, Erica was always organizing staplers and making midnight potato runs for the writing staff.”

What I`ll remember the most about Erica was that she was always quoting Tony Marzano and saying things like, ‘Ich bin ein Berliner!’ around the office,” said CronkNews editor-in-chief Leah Wescott. “She was inspiring in her own special way.”

Brody Truce fondly remembered her excellent cooking skills. “She was always bringing lingonberries into the office. They were delicious. I could eat them for days on end.”

And Irma Pelt recalled the kindness that Erica showed by rubbing lotion on her aching nipple every night after a long day in the CronkNews bullpen. “The girl really knew how to get a knot out.”

What many people did not know about Erica was her avid involvement in the crocheting community. “We`ve suffered a great loss,” said the president of the local chapter. “The weekly meetings just won`t be the same without her.”

En lieu of flowers, please send donations to the National Association of crocheting or to the CronkNews summer retreat fund.

by Cub Reporter
Natasha Hopkins
Heidelberg University

It is with great sadness that the CronkNews staff reports the untimely passing of our intern, Miss Erica Price. Miss Price slipped into a deep coma from which doctors predict no chance of recovery. The coma was brought on early this week after a soft blow to her arm from a broom.

We will all affectionately remember Erica Price as the shiny CronkNews intern. She showed up on our doorstep with only a office and her curious ponytail. During her unpaid tenure, Erica was always organizing staplers and making midnight cracker runs for the writing staff.

“What I`ll remember the most about Erica was that she was always quoting Arthur Chickering and saying things like, ‘To be or not to be. That is the question,’ around the office,” said CronkNews editor-in-chief Leah Wescott. “She was inspiring in her own special way.”

Brody Truce fondly remembered her excellent cooking skills. “She was always bringing bananas into the office. They were delicious. I could eat them for days on end.”

And Irma Pelt recalled the kindness that Erica showed by rubbing lotion on her aching foot every night after a long day in the CronkNews bullpen. “The girl really knew how to get a knot out.”

What many people did not know about Erica was her avid involvement in the knitting community. “We`ve suffered a great loss,” said the president of the local chapter. “The weekly meetings just won`t be the same without her.”

En lieu of flowers, please send donations to the National Association of knitting or to the CronkNews summer retreat fund.

[Editor’s note: We absolutely love and respect our wonderful real-life Erica Price and wish her the very best as she takes the next step in her career. We can never thank you enough.]