Grover College Begins New Texting Major

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by I.M. Knott-Tawkin
Freelance Writer

Professor Hanson catches a nontraditional student using a computer lab to do her texting homework and re-explains the importance of mastering thumb dexterity.

At last, the wars between rhetoric-composition, literature and creative writing are over. Thanks to a new interdisciplinary major in texting, not writing, Grover College aims to set the pace for other colleges and universities hoping to revolutionize English instruction and remove the stuffy classics and annoying marginal comments from the curriculum once and for all.

“Rhet-comp attempted to replace traditional literary studies with lofty, statistical and equally incomprehensive research studies,” explained H. Robert Hanson, the former head of the English department at Grover College. His job title has been changed to Textmaster. “And it’s common knowledge that the creative writing types never quite fit in, here or anywhere. Now, we have a captive audience for our major. It’s something students already do day and night. We are proud to roll out—or should we say tap out– our new texting major.”

American English Association executive director and Grover College alumna Halle Smith said, “Students didn’t buy the power of the humanities in today’s sinking economy, and Grover adjuncts got tired of their 7-7 loads so that full-timers could do their research and subsist on 2-2 teaching loads. We believe this major is in step with the times. It’s also affordable.”

Text studies aims to keep the curriculum right where students want it – in the palm of their hand, in their pocket or in that weird spot in their laps that makes them look like they are sleeping in class.

As more and more colleges have moved from textbook purchase to rental – and fewer students are opting to do even that – text studies will make sure that students leave college with money in their pocket or at least tendonitis, trigger thumb and permanent eye problems.

“Not since the slate and stone has education been so transformed,” said Grover trustee, Bert Cleveland. “It will keep us competitive.”

“We feel that ours is a green program,” library director Ernie Wolf added. “No more papers, no more books, no more adjuncts’ tired looks.” He aims to begin purging the college’s literature collection immediately.

Peer critiquing will form the heart of the program. Students will read each others’ text messages, text back and just keep the ball rolling for 50-minute classes three times a week or 75-minute classes twice a week. An online program was nixed because students didn’t want to have to sit behind a large computer screen and do anything other than text.

“If I can hold my entire course in my hand, I’m much happier,” said junior text major Bess Wingfield. “In fact, I plan to sleep with it.”