According to his press release Bud Graham, the assistant office assistant for library services at Louisville Methodist University, has been promoted for the first time in his 23 years at the college. “I’m thrilled to accept the captain position for the LMU Weight Watchers troop,” announced Graham. “I’ve worked hard at the college, and I’ve [...]

by Aloysius St. Bernard Freelance Writer Matthew Wang, a promising up-and-comer in the Peyton Randolph University Residence Hall Association, is facing calls for his resignation, in response to recent allegations that he sent inappropriate photos to other students via the popular social networking service Twitter. Wang, who served as hall council representative for the 2nd [...]

by Evan Brews Freelance Writer In a bold move to bolster their monetary base, the alumni foundation for Gunnister College (GC) has decided to invest nearly 50 percent of its endowment into the national lottery system Powerball. Recent drops in solicited donations have forced the relatively small foundation to think differently about how it goes [...]

by I.M. Knott-Tawkin Freelance Writer A research study recently released by the Eat Less Institute (ELI) correlates student and faculty expanding waistlines with the ease of presentation software. “It’s not only brains that are going soft,” chief investigator Slim Hawkins said. “Pudgy presenters are no longer going through the effort they used to. It’s too [...]

“Listen, sissy boy, sticking out your pinkie isn’t going to instill confidence in our book,” said Pelt, interrupting his 5, 4, 3, 3, 1 countdown to the book launch. Comedy Central’s Stephen Colbert appeared with CronkNews.com head writer Irma Pelt this morning to count down the final seconds before The Cronk of Higher Education urged [...]

by Schubert Lovenkraft Freelance Writer Mr. Ted Wannajobe, a part-time instructor in American History at West Central State, was released from his teaching duties today after his entire class failed the college’s U.S. History Competence Exam. “Sadly, Mr. Wannajobe’s pedagogical approach didn’t mesh well with our students’ educational needs,” said Dr. Phyllis Puggles, associate provost [...]

by Lilian Kershaw Freelance Writer Dr. Charlotte Digges, president of Lottie University, issued a statement today condemning the actions of Mr. Crawford Howell, director of summer conferences. “We at Lottie University value our long-standing partnership with the Greater Eastern Baptist Convention and, as a result of Mr. Howell’s outrageous comments, we have removed him from [...]

The head writers from The Cronk of Higher Education held a 30-minute press conference for readers on Saturday June 18 to ask fans to join them as they launch their first book, Required Reading. “We’ll do the traditional book promotions, but we know the real power comes from people who read and relate to our [...]

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South Beach, FL The head writing team from CronkNews.com will announce plans for its first book Required Reading at noon on Saturday June 18, and they’ve chosen a perfect location. “I’m flying the staff to South Beach,” said Editor-in-Chief of The Cronk of Higher Education Leah Wescott. “It was a no brainer. Miami has had [...]