by Riley Murray
Only months after the FDA banned the high-caffeine, high-alcohol drink, Four Loko and colleges thought it was safe for students to venture into the beverage aisle again, there’s a new kid on the block. “Blast,” a new drink by Colt 45, is Four Loko with a little less Loko (no caffeine). It’s catching on with the college crowd, and it may follow much the same trajectory as Four Loko.
The appeal of the next “let’s skirt the rules just enough to be legal” products for college student consumption has some administrator’s concerned. They see this rise in risk-taking as out of their control, particularly given research indicating the adolescent brain’s pre-frontal cortex, where reasoned weighing of behaviors and consequences occurs, is not fully developed. Administrators look to their faculty colleagues for information that might help them prepare more proactively for future trends in dangerous behavior.
Dr. Jememy Grimes, head researcher at the National Higher Ed Trending Institute speculates that a number of new products may follow in Blast’s footsteps in the coming decade. Among the predicted items:
Bong in a Box – Based on the engineering of children’s juice boxes, students will poke a straw in and take a hit.
STD Study Break in a Can – Based on the inevitability of catching a sexually transmitted disease in college, students can now manage their time better to focus on academic success despite a suspicious rash. Students will use this product to eliminate foreplay and interpersonal entanglements, by just grabbbing their STDs to go. Grimes predicts that the substance will be similar to talcum powder. Students will apply it whenever and wherever they wish. They can buy the individual size at their local campus convenient marts for intimate evenings alone or bond with fraternity brothers with the larger “family pack” for some Friday night fun.
Flash Drive Flashpot – Grimes predicts a niche developing for the politically active, anarchist-type student. Students can take Flash Drive Flashpot to their demonstrations. It’s a computer flash-drive look-alike with just the right mix of powder and igniter to help users distract police, parents or other authorities in order to make fast getaways. Users will simply throw the device on the ground and run…in a flash!
Cutter Wraps – Similar to a simple chicken salad wrap from the campus eatery, this product will be packaged in 18-gauge aluminum foil. Users who finish the dish will fold the foil in fourths and slice with a dull edge. The foil provides a unique pleasure/pain sensation perfect for chronic cutters on a high-iron diet.
Egg-stacy – Just like Egg Beaters’ scrambled eggs in a carton, students will pour the Egg-stacy into a hot pan and whisk. Unlike normal Egg Beaters, the fluffy end product contains low levels of Ecstacy and yummy egg substitutes all in one. Vegan users are already giddy about the rumors of a 2013 product release.