Faculty Celebrates Graduation of Universally Reviled Student

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by Lilian Kershaw
Freelance Writer

"Don't even get me started about that obnoxiously perky smile," said one professor. "Other students know how to sit and be quiet and look at their cell phones. Susanna kept looking at me and nodding for more, like nothing I said was enough."

Bison University president Dr. Meredith Hughes issued a formal apology today for the joint faculty-staff flash mob that broke out when Susanna Hammond walked across the stage at commencement.  “Hatred is not a Buffalo Bill value,” said Dr. Hughes.

“Listen.  We have put up with Susanna’s BS for four years,” said Faculty Senate president Dr. John Morris.  “She was thoroughly obnoxious and we are all glad to see her go. She’s lucky that all we did was break into song-and-dance at her graduation.  We could ask her to reimburse us for four years of Xanax prescriptions.”

One of Ms. Hammond’s friends, speaking on condition of anonymity, reported that Ms. Hammond would frequently ask difficult questions in class, ask for more specific feedback on papers and ask for clarification when given work tasks by her work-study supervisor.

Dr. Morris disagreed with the unnamed student’s assessment of Ms. Hammond’s behavior. “She would ask questions in class, but it wasn’t to engage in discussion.  You could tell she was trying to trip us up and make us look stupid in front of all the students. Once, during my Philosophy 101 class, she asked me if Locke’s concept of the state of nature could provide insight into the current conflict in the Middle East.  See what I mean?”

Dr. Morris continued, “and, as for wanting specific feedback, she would come to office hours and want to review every comment on graded papers.  She may have said she just wanted to understand the feedback so she could improve the next paper, but I could tell she was just ‘grade-grubbing’.”

“We have reports that Susanna would want to engage in a lengthy discussion during each evaluation process, said Liam Sawyer, Staff Council president. “Most students just sign their eval and go on about their day.  But Susanna would want to talk about every single note, even the positive ones.  Who has time for that?”

Both Dr. Morris and Mr. Sawyer agree that ultimately all BU students will benefit from Ms. Hammond’s time as a student. “Don’t get me wrong – we are happy to see her backside walking out the door,” said Mr. Sawyer. “But, the most important outcome is that the faculty and staff of Bison University have created a powerful alliance in our mutual hatred of this student.  Hopefully, this will pave the way for future partnerships to improve student learning.”