by Brody K. Truce Senior Staff Writer With classes slated to begin next Monday at Wyoming State University, one first year student is worried that he will be unable to find his 8 am class. Freshman Brian Jackson of Sidney, MT was overheard in the cafeteria earlier today lamenting his predicament. “This campus is so [...]

by Jeremy Sly Freelance Writer First-year resident assistant Gerald Thompson, picked by the Associated Press to be the Breslin University RA Rookie of the Year, found himself the victim of an exhausting amount of intentional interactions Monday. The interactions, deemed “brave, but foolhardy” by university officials, has BU’s Housing and Residence Life faculty worried about [...]

 Move-in Bingo We see a lot of strange things on move-in day. Be sure to check off the spaces to win*. *There’s no prize. Other than being done with move-in. Horse Trailer (“But Daddy! All my staff will smell like horses!” “I AM NOT PAYING $50 to rent a U-Haul! These horses paid for your [...]

by Schubert Lovenkraft Freelance Writer After months of stupefying repetition, undergraduate research assistant Thomas Floyd, 19, emerged from the Nelson Physics Laboratory this afternoon to announce that his faculty supervisor, Dr. Demetri Schulman, had declared his 4,394th sharpened pencil “perfect.” “I’d like the thank the academy,” said a humbled Floyd, “for creating an educational experience [...]

by Aloysius St. Bernard Freelance Writer Beloit, Wis. In a statement that surprised many higher education professionals across the country, Beloit College admitted that their popular “Mindset List,” which documents the changing worldviews of entering college freshmen each year, may actually be based on the drunken ravings of Marty McCommons, a well-known regular at Suds [...]

by Matthew Michael Freelance Writer The NCAA announced plans this week to open a branch office in Chapel Hill, NC to better facilitate the 17 new investigations it will launch regarding the UNC football team. This announcement comes on the heels of the firing of UNC head football coach, Butch Davis and the disclosure that [...]

  Lake Juanita University has secured a four-year grant to develop an innovative new training program to help students and staff from the Millennial Generation develop stronger empathy skills. “We’ve discovered that our students with Asperger’s syndrome have received special assistance in developing the ability to understand others’ feelings,” said Lake Juanita’s Director of Special [...]

  According to national statistics Cal State-Yorba Linda has recruited the best student in the world. “It’s something we strived to do for years,” said Director of Enrollment Jorge Lee. “We’ve come close a few times but my staff really turned on the jets this year and brought home the big prize – Randall Jefferson.” [...]

Staff at The Cronk of Higher Education, who are hosting the first-ever National Satire Month celebration, learned quickly after launching their campaign, resources were limited. “We knew we were going to provide a bare-bones wiki of satire resources but when we posted a calendar of notable events and birth dates, we learned that the only [...]

According to officials at Green Mountain State University, Resident Assistant Chris DeJackson’s training camp hold out continues into its fifth day. DeJackson refuses to return to training camp until his contract is renegotiated to his satisfaction. “I’ve been an RA for one year,” said the junior. “Even though there’s one year in my contract I [...]