Admissions Recruits Perfect College Freshman

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Randall used his iPhone to methodically plan every minute of his high school career.

According to national statistics Cal State-Yorba Linda has recruited the best student in the world.

It’s something we strived to do for years,” said Director of Enrollment Jorge Lee. “We’ve come close a few times but my staff really turned on the jets this year and brought home the big prize – Randall Jefferson.”

Admissions data reveals the following impressive data about Jefferson:

  • SAT score of 2100
  • Belonged to 4.3 clubs
  • Played 2.2 varsity sports
  • Performed 7.888 hours of community service per week
  • Spent one semester abroad, one semester being home schooled, one semester in boarding school and the remaining in public school AP classes
  • Earned Eagle Scout status but currently boycotts organization for reasons of social justice
  • Has rich parents who are likely to donate money to the college but vote Democrat
  • Bi-racial and member of three cultural clubs including the Women in Farming organization
  • Is straight but has gay friends mentioned by name in tear-jerking application essay

I knew I was in the running,” said Jefferson. “Quitting track at the perfect time to earn the 2.2 years of athletic credit was tricky because I had to leave a race exactly after the third hurdle. The rest came pretty naturally.”

The world has never seen someone so perfectly well-rounded,” said Cora Cantore, president of the Global College Admissions Association. “Every college has dreamed of recruiting the perfect student.”

What will happen now that Jefferson is a college freshman?

We don’t really care about any of that,” said Cantore. “We just have to do whatever it takes to get their asses in the door.”