Members of the Aesthetic Policies Committee at Khoe College will present opposing arguments to the Supreme Court next Monday in hopes of reaching a definitive conclusion to a years-long debate. The acrimonious conflict began four years ago when the committee drafted a 150-page report about the need for two additional square feet of ivy [...]

  Newport Maritime College’s President K. C. Gitterdone III announced a restructuring of his senior cabinet today in response to the criticisms leveled by the Work-study Task Force (WTF). “I had no idea that Newport Maritime’s high need students felt so disconnected from the majority of our student body,” said Gitterdone as he prepared to [...]

by Dana Lancer Freelance Writer A blue-ribbon research panel of internationally prominent art historians has concluded that Pablo Picasso, the painter credited with almost single-handedly defining 20th-century abstract art, had less artistic talent than the average five-year-old child. “Not that Picasso was stupid,” explained Prof. Gertrudis Estaín, chair of the fine arts department at Bryn [...]

“There’s still a long semester to play out,” said Tamara Brady after Professor DeLeon’s first major exam in Viking History. Honors student Brady was expected to ace the test but received a C+. “Tam’s performance was a shocker, and the exam was admittedly so difficult that no student scored an A, but I was more [...]

Attendance in Professor Randall Everett’s Biology in Motion seminar has skyrocketed as students await Hannah Kearns’ historic 700th consecutive answer to Professor Everett’s questions. “I usually sit in the back so I can avoid Dr. Everett’s boring questions,” said Kearns’ classmate Jacob Roy. “Lately I’ve been sitting closer so I can be there to witness [...]

by I.M. Knott-Tawkin Freelance Writer In its continuing effort to prepare its incoming students for campus and the world beyond, Bigbad University has announced a new line-up of orientation activities for the class of 2015. “This program not only reflects the realities of shifting budgets, it also promises to be a lot of fun,” Bigbad [...]

by Shubert Lovenkraft Freelance Writer After almost three years of carefree college sex, junior Samantha Hammerschmidt posted on her Facebook page that she can no longer afford to “just give it away” to friends without a pre-arranged mutual cost-sharing agreement. “At first it was like no strings attached,” Hammerschmidt, a business major from Troy, Michigan, [...]

Brody Truce, Irma Pelt and Leah Wescott joined the staff from student affairs website BreakDrink.com for their kick-off podcast for the 2011-12 academic year. Topics ranged from social media etiquette for student leaders to campus mustache fashion.Basically, if you need to solve any complicated problem on your campus, you’ll find the collective wisdom of the [...]

  Grammar professor Marjorie Kitt was fired from her position last week amongst allegations that she had consistently misused quotation marks she drew in the air with her fingers. “It’s was an offense to our department,” explained Dean of English Corrine Samuels. “She put quotations marks around seemingly everything without regard to legitimate rules of [...]

From Editor Leah Wescott Last December, I received an article submission from a new writer named Jeffrey Ross who had written a poem about community colleges. I loved the piece but knew immediately that I had to find a nice way to reject it because it didn’t fit our brand of satire and I couldn’t [...]