by Lilian Kershaw
The Middling Education Honorary (or, M.E.H.) has awarded Frome University the infamous Golden Artichoke for demonstrating mediocrity in student achievement. The announcement has stunned many in this small university community, who believed that they were working towards loftier goals.
“During last year’s academic year kick-off, our Vice President told us that we wanted to be known as the best student affairs division in the country,” said Robert Simmonson, Director of Career Services for Frome.”He played this really inspirational song that asked what we had done that day to make us feel proud. I think the song is called ‘Proud.’ Anyway, we were all inspired and energetic after that meeting. I’m not sure what happened.”
The report from M.E.H. cites Frome’s average statistics as the deciding factor. “The faculty and staff at Frome excelled in creating ordinary student interventions that made absolutely no difference in student success or failure. As a third-tier university, their students are average and have achieved average results. We commend Frome University in knowing their role in the greater higher education landscape.”
Juan de Cardeñas, Goodspeed Residence Hall Director, seems to agree with M.E.H’s assessment. “Look, these kids aren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer, but they’re mostly finishing school. They don’t need the most innovative initiatives. They just need some solid support so they can get the degree and get out.”
“Your average Frome student isn’t looking for all the services and programs that are offered at better schools,” said Kelsey Burrell, sixth-year senior and student body president. “All that takes time and costs money. We don’t have a lot of either. Just tell me what’s going to be on the test and get out of my way.”
News of the “achievement” has cast a shadow over this year’s kick-off festivities. During convocation, Dr. Earlene Wzyniwitz reminded those present that no other college or university had received the Golden Artichoke and that everyone should be honored to be singled out for something.
“Last year, when I was named as the next president of Frome, I promised to bring our community of scholars to national recognition within five years. Mission accomplished!” said Dr. Wzynitiz. “You’re welcome!”