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Doctors have Melissa under close observation. On September 11, she posted a Facebook update reminding everyone to also use that day to remember hungry kittens and people too poor to have kittens.

In addition to epidemic-level cases of influenza and mental health disorders, college health centers are also reporting marked increases in what the Center for Disease Control is calling Post-Dramatic Stress Disorder (PDSD).

It’s incredibly common, and spreading at a record speed,” said Colton College psychologist Jorgen Kesselman. “Students are spreading it without even knowing it.”

Staff at Colton College have planned a special training session for resident assistants, who are most likely to spot incidents of PDSD.

Symptoms include:

  • Frequent use of the term “Oh my god, you guys…”
  • Online postings that include the letters F, M and L
  • Facebook status updates that quote lyrics from maudlin songs
  • Facebook status updates that begin with “Why…”

RAs, professors and other staff will be instructed to run far away if they see any of these signs of post-dramatic stress.

Whatever else they do, the staff must never ever use the phrase ‘Oh, you poor thing,’” said Kesselman. “We’re most worried about the friends and family of the carriers, however, who may get trapped listening to hours-long diatribe loops that include ‘You should already know what’s wrong.’”

Currently, there is no known cure for PDSD. According to Kesselman, “Avoidance is our best hope.”