McGinley College is reeling after officials woefully misjudged its enrollment figures for fall faculty egos.
“We hadn’t anticipated the spike beyond our normal ego quota of 5.6%,” said Chancellor Julia Tenny. “The unexpectedly large 10% ego inflation has created dilemmas we hadn’t imagined.”
The college now scrambles to find larger office spaces with prettier furniture, budget money for every bit of work considered above-and-beyond, and additional faculty senate positions to accommodate the ego increase.
“We’re currently accepting bids for office trailer rentals,” said a facilities manager, “but we already know those spaces won’t be acceptable to the egos.”
“The chancellor told us publicly that the new senate positions are supposed to be filled through elections,” explained one of the non-ego-inflated faculty members. “But you know what they say about desperate times. Fifteen years ago, we had a similar problem and I was asked to ‘voluntarily’ resign from my department chair position because my office had a window six inches larger than that my over-egoed colleague.”
“We’re checking right now to find out if all of the egos are tenure-protected,” said Chancellor Tenny. “If our worst fears are realized we can only expect more in 2012.”
National ego enrollment experts speculate that lower MCAT and GRE scores several years ago correlate with record levels of confidence in graduate students with teaching aspirations.
“The number of Millennials entering advanced degree programs has correlated with the early retirement of tenured professionals looking for peace,” said one expert. “We might see increases doubling or tripling in upcoming years. We’re lobbying the federal government to offer grants for colleges to pay for additional buildings and budgets to accommodate up to 20% ego inflation.”