by AJ Marshfield
After the stress of midterm exams and the tension of homecoming pride competitions, college students from Treelawn State University look forward to letting loose on Halloween, the one night each year they can break completely free of their normal routines.
A temporary Halloween-themed store at the mall near Treelawn’s campus boasts an array of costumes popular with the college-aged set, including “Baseball Player,” “Mario,” and “Headless Axe Murderer” for men, and “Sexy Baseball Player,” “Whore-ish Mario,” and “I Never Got Attention from Daddy Headless Axe Murderer” for women.
“During the rest of the year, we sell hip, sexy party fashions for the local coeds,” said store owner Marcus Green. “We love to have one week when we do something totally different.”
The store also sells “cauldrons” to replace Jungle Juice punch bowls at house parties and beer pong tables that look like coffins.
“Drinking is going to be SO much more fun when everyone is drinking our ‘Witch’s Brew’ instead of just regular booze,” said sophomore Kaitlin Freeman, referring to a mix of Keystone Light and Vodka she and her friends created during last year’s Halloween festivities. “Having themed stuff makes it really, really different from every other weekend I’ve had to scrub vomit off my dress and scrape glitter off my face. Halloween is so crazy because I get to be all dressed up to the point where my real looks are completely obscured!” Freeman then began hunting through her 40-color, 3-tiered makeup case for the perfect shade of “Goth Black.”
Even the most academically-focused students are looking forward to the in-depth identity exploration the 31st promises.
“It’s just exhausting to be your most genuine, authentic self day in, day out,” said Theresa Dennon, a Women’s Studies/Biology Major. “I can’t decide whether to be Slutty Susan B. Anthony or Anna Nicole Smith. Which one has more irony?”
Fraternities are also getting into the “spirit” of the season by hosting trick-or-treating at their houses.
“The University won’t let us give out candy or dunk for apples because of concerns about poisoning and stuff so we’re just going to have orange and black Jell-O shots at the door,” said fraternity President Michael Strop. “I get their point. People get weird on Halloween and you have to be safe.” Other fraternities have opted instead for a trick or treat party, where female guests have to either turn a trick or bring a treat (alcohol) to gain entrance to the party.
Treelawn University was also preparing for the day by creating a “Haunted Safe Bus” with stops near all the local bars. The bus will resemble the regular Safe Bus, but a haunted house soundtrack will play throughout the ride. Treelawn Health Center is also presenting a sex ed program entitled, “I Need to Know Who You Did Last Summer.”
As of press time, students were completely unaware of those initiatives.