Lucille Wexton was suspended from her position of senior science librarian Monday following a two-hour deliberation of the Green Mountain State University Committee for Green Values.
“Ms. Wexton is a disgrace to our campus,” said Vonda Casserly, who chairs the Committee for Green Values. “She is an avid recycler, carpooler and supporter of local produce, so she blindsided us with her blatant green negligence.”
Wexton was accused of anti-green values when she brought a plate of tree-shaped cookies to her office holiday party last month.
“I ate one of her so-called cookies just to be polite, but it disgusted me,” said Wexton’s co-worker Juanita Foy. “After I went home and thought about it I placed a call to our anonymous Going Green Emergency Hot Line to alert the environmental authorities. When I moved my bowels the next morning I said a prayer for the helpless trees who had to die for my poop.”
The Going Green Berets investigated the anonymous tip and sent a report to the Green Values Committee who took swift action.
“After Lucille’s month of suspension, she can return to work under the condition that she leads an education campaign to prepare the campus for next year’s holiday season,” said Casserly. “If it were up to me, I’d eliminate all cookies to prevent any possibility of offensive treats.”