by Skye Kopfgeschlagen
Professors at Harmony University reported Wednesday a mass number of assignments as “late, missing or my dog ate it” due to the Wikipedia Blackout to protest SOPA (Stop Online Piracy Act)/PIPA (Protect Intellectual Property Act). Large numbers of students were seen running screaming “WHY?!” from computer screens Wednesday as Wikipedia went silent for a full 24 hours to show users the possible ramifications of the laws before Congress.
As Professor Lars Svenson of the History Department stated, “‘I couldn’t write my paper because I didn’t have access to Wikipedia’ is not a legitimate excuse for not finishing or submitting assignments on time. It’s called a library ladies and gentlemen.” The library was strangely quiet at Harmony as many students appeared to be hiding in cars, buses, and closets hoping to avoid the blacked out Wikipedia screen.
One Harmony student, who spoke to us on condition of anonymity said, “I’m scared, I had a panic attack when I saw the screen and Wikipedia wasn’t there. It was gone. It was just gone. I have to go, I’m feeling lightheaded.”
Harmony librarian Claire Fairhaven stated, “This is disgusting! What is higher education coming to if students do not know how to use resources besides Wikipedia? There are books a plenty, and we are here to help them utilize those resources to find what they need in a reasonable time. It would help if they actually showed up once in a while and understood that encyclopedias and dictionaries are arranged in alphabetical order.”
The Blackout lasted a full day and caused a record number of panic attacks, large paper cuts from books, and reports of random mumblings under their breath by students to professors concerning assignments – particularly research papers.
“By noon, we had run out of Band-Aids,” said Harmony’s health services director Ken Timmons. “We haven’t seen this level of carnage since the Great Wireless Breakdown of 2010.”