First-year MIT aerospace engineering major Melvin Aucoin faced his biggest analytical problem to date last Saturday. “I had just finished competing in the Massachusetts Problem Solving Aerolympics and I was asked to fill out a form so they could mail me my engraved trophy,” said Aucoin, who scored a 2390 on his SATs. “This wasn’t [...]

by Diana Senechal Freelance Writer Binghamton, New York—At Novum Organum College’s annual faculty meeting, President Murphy Murgatroyd announced that 100 percent of the college’s materials and teaching methods would be research-based by 2014. “This means everything you do must be backed by science,” said Murgatroyd. “We won’t use a seminar format, for instance, just because [...]

by Con Chapman Freelance Writer DANVILLE, Illinois. It is a problem that bedevils colleges across the country, with some saying it threatens the future of higher education in America. “If this school was a business, it’d be in Chapter 11,” says Ted Clavell, a trustee of Upper Peninsula College in Keweenaw, Michigan, who has given [...]

by Diana Senechal Freelance Writer Boise, Idaho—In a press conference last week, Ombligo University officials announced that they had created a new major in the self, effective immediately. “We were concerned with the gap between students’ interests and the existing majors,” explained Carlie Greenhorn, director of development. “Research revealed that our customers are interested in [...]

by Con Chapman Freelance Writer ABILENE, Texas. Ryan Simmons is, to all appearances, a slightly scrawny high school senior with no particular athletic ability, but he’s drawing attention from top colleges across the country as recruiting season swings into high gear. “I don’t know what it is,” says Ryan’s mother, Pearl, a municipal employee. “He [...]

by Henry Wenslydale Freelance Writer Abraxas University announced today that admissions representatives will receive payments based on net student weight. Reaction to their new initiative has been swift and highly critical. According to Department of Education’s spokesman George Bennett, “This is the most blatant attempt yet by a proprofitary, um, proprietary school to circumvent the [...]

Lucille Wexton was suspended from her position of senior science librarian Monday following a two-hour deliberation of the Green Mountain State University Committee for Green Values. “Ms. Wexton is a disgrace to our campus,” said Vonda Casserly, who chairs the Committee for Green Values. “She is an avid recycler, carpooler and supporter of local produce, [...]

by Irma Pelt Senior Staff Writer A newly-built academic building at Piercy College collapsed on Monday evening in what campus officials are calling a “grave misoverestimation of a professional’s skill level.” Matthew Krohn, college president, stood in front of the rubble, shaking his head and stammering. “The person we brought in to lead this construction [...]

by I.M. Knott-Tawkin Freelance Writer “There is absolutely, positively nothing funny about being an adjunct,” says Kontingent “Konnie” J. Klown, who has gone through life with an unusual name coined by her parents, itinerant academics. And Klown’s recently formed group, “Adjuncts Are Amazing University Psychics, See?” AAAUPS (not to be confused with AAUP, AAA, or [...]