Health Center Posts Sweet New Valentine Buzz Kills

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by Skye Kopfgeschlagen
Staff Writer

“The Pubic Lice Capades for our winter carnival was my idea,” said Harmony’s assistant health director.

All evidence of Valentine’s Day was removed from the halls of Harmony University this week. In its place a sweetly romantic celebration of STD Awareness Day. Gone are the traditional red hearts and roses, pink and white crepe paper, and sayings of love. In its place will be informative signs and pamphlets to raise STD awareness scare the love right out of the month of February.

University health center nurse Catherine Weathersbee stated, “We were tired of students showing up with symptoms like ‘I have an itch down there’ so we thought we would take a proactive approach to prevent these occurrences. This year they can’t claim they didn’t know what might happen.”

“O-M-G, really? Signs like ‘What happens when I’ve got crabs?’ and ‘Herpes for life’ are grody,” said freshman Laura Rutherford. “I’d rather not wake up from studying all night to pictures of genitalia on the walls. What’s next – instead of St. Patrick’s Day green beer we have pregnancy prevention awareness?”

When we posed the suggestion made by Ms. Rutherford to have pregnancy prevention awareness in lieu of St. Patrick’s Day, Ms. Weathersbee expressed delight. “What a wonderful idea!”

“Having crabs is wrong now?” asked sophomore Sandy Fisher, who had concerns about the mixed messages sent by the university. “We just had a special steak and shrimp night in the cafeteria last week. I think the administration is the one who needs the education.”

“Dude, with syphilis signs everywhere I can’t get a date,” said John Fairchild. “I don’t mind not having to pay for dinner, chocolates and flowers for some chick but now broads look at me like I’m disgusting.”

According to Harmony University president John O’Callahan, “The informational signs and pamphlets will help deter students from making poor decisions and make them aware that physical love is never right and comes with diseases. As educators it’s our duty to create fun ways like this to inform students about their behavior. We plan to make further changes to upcoming holidays. Just wait until Thanksgonorrhea.”