Campus Bans Toilet Paper in Courageous Step to Stay Nation’s Greenest U

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by Dr. Bob Schvinsky
Freelance Writer

North-by-North-Eastern College’s North Western campus located in the absolute barren wilderness of Canada’s far north is excited to announce their latest challenge to regain their title as Canada’s greenest campus – removal of toilet paper from all washrooms.

The previous administration’s policy of providing free toilet paper for staff and students only “…encouraged waste and environmental derogation.”, according to the Betty Beabob, Controller who has been monitoring the college’s daily toilet paper usage for 17 years.

“Every economics student knows that low prices translate into high demand,” said the Dean of Social Sciences. “Obviously free toilet paper only encourages excess consumption.”

According to the Dean of Forestry, “I’m sure that whole forests have been leveled just to avoid a little dirty laundry. Just think of it as a second hanky one should carry.”

Under the new policy, effective April 1st, the men’s washrooms will only be equipped with urinals, removing the need for toilet paper entirely. This elimination of toilets will also serve to remove the well known male tendency for leisurely bathroom reading, greatly improving productivity.

“After all, what kind of an education can you get in a bathroom?” questioned the Senior Manager of Faculty Services.

Simultaneously, all women’s washrooms will be equipped with a fee-based toilet-paper dispenser supplying a government approved ration of 14.75 sq. centimeters (3.15 sq. in.) of toilet paper. “We have opted to recognize and respect anatomical differences at this time while our Biology faculty actively seek government research grants to develop a female academic urinal,” according to the Dean of Science.

Staff price for toilet paper has not yet been finalized, but confidential internal sources are pegging it at $2 per roll.

“[This] should go a long way toward eradicating our deficit,” added the CFO. Although the need for a union-scale paid security guard to ensure males are not trespassing in female washrooms was noted.

These steps will also enable NbNEC to meet a key 2012 performance goal, the government’s Flatulence Alleviation Reduction Targets (FART). The college is claiming a planned 27.3 percent reduction in methane gas production, as well as certain other unpleasant side effects.

“Holy, can’t you leave those nasty bombs at home?” expressed one anonymous employee with an office located near a staff washroom.

The Union, predictably, expressed outrage, “This looks more like a ‘brown’ policy than a ‘green’ policy…” and added that the policy probably wouldn’t even apply to the Administrative Building because, “There’s so much crap over there, managers would go broke.”