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by Veronica Zolter
Staff Writer

Reflecting the national trend toward incivility in public discourse, the first “Dear Crabby” syndicated column will appear in student papers across the country.

“Dear Crabby” will offer a healthy tonic of vinegar to counteract civility columns such as the Chronicle’s Ms, Mentor and Inside Higher Ed’s A Kinder Campus.

“It’s a meaner, gruffer nation, not a kinder, gentler one,” says editor James McGuffy – Crabby himself — who got the idea for the column after being dismissed from a community college for stalking fellow students, talking back to faculty and – most unforgivably – not paying his tuition by the due date.

The dean of student life was working with him in private sessions to stop making dean, assistant dean, assistant-to-the-dean and associate dean jokes, but not paying tuition was the last straw. The computer booted him right off campus.

“All this p.c. crap about being nice to one another, the Golden rule, and so on is a total waste of time,” McGuffy growled. “We are not going to recapture our role as 1st in the world by being nice about it. I’m taking my message of crassness, rudeness, and uncouth behavior to the most vulnerable and impressionable among us, our nation’s youth.”

When told that many studies have shown that few students on most campuses even stop to read their campus newspapers, McGuffy stopped to pitch a full-fledged fit.

Composing himself as armed guards approached, he said he would add a threat to the column to ensure that people read it.

Watch your college’s student paper for “Ask Crabby.” Or else.