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PC Patrol to Launch at Buckeye State

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by Veronica Zolter
Staff Writer

The president has appointed a special K-9 unit to protect his office in case any false allegations are made against him.

The Political Correctness Patrol (PCP), a new effort to curb incivility and insensitivity on campus, is set to launch this spring quarter at Buckeye State University.

“Again, we are ahead of the curve of our peer institutions,” president John A. Rumina said. “If you’re boorish, bigoted or just plain dumb our PCP will set you on the track to success — or kick you out.”

The patrol was formed in response to an increasing number of reports of racial and gender insensitivity, some pointing to – of all places – the president’s office. But the president himself deflected any criticism, urging students to listen up and report one another.

“Our highest aim is to exclude people on the basis of their utter ignorance and make them feel unwelcome here,” Rumina explained. “Even if that doesn’t leave us many students it will leave us the best.”

The PCP will investigate each and every allegation of insensitivity, Rumina promised.

“So, if it’s the first day of class and the teacher mispronounces your name, don’t explain it away as an accident,” said Rumina. “Chances are, it was an intentional dig at your ethnicity, race or gender. Report it.”

An example drawn from the faculty ranks in January was a student who refused to let any female students in his “all guys’ club,” a nickname for his friends sitting near him in English. The teacher reported the student’s behavior and was summarily fired for being unable to keep order in her classroom.

“She was a big, fat, ugly, lazy adjunct anyway,” said Rumina. “And well over age 55. She had to go.”

Auditions–we mean interviews–for three people most closely resembling the cast of the popular Mod Squad show of the 1970s will be held next week.

Sanctions for offending, and offensive, students may range from sensitivity training to public humiliation to forced transfer to Fledgling Community College, ten miles down the road.

“You can’t be a Buckeye, a real nut, until you grow up,” said dean of student life Liz Looman.

Some members of the local community disagree with the PCP concept. James Harris, known simply as “that crazy old man” to students who room on the third floor of his house, said in his youth there were other ways of resolving differences, even insults.

“Show ‘em who’s tougher. Who’s got the bigger shotgun. Students ain’t what they used to be. Someone hurt your feelin’s? Boo hoo. Either make up or get plastered together. That got me through school, all the way through the eighth grade, before I was kicked out.”

“But nothing makes a point like having three strangers show up in your dorm room when you’re not expecting anyone,” sophomore Jerry Wilson said in tears. His offense was oversleeping ten minutes into the mandatory Intro to PC course now required of all students. “They pointed fake tasers at me and told me I’d better get moving or it was off to campus security. They also called me real bad names.”

President Rumina says the zero tolerance program is sure to distinguish Buckeye as a place where hateful rhetoric is not tolerated. “If you want to talk like that, go to that substandard junior college down the street, with all the other losers,” he said.