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To Focus on Real-World Relevance College Bolts Doors to Kind and Gentle

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by I.M. Knott-Tawkin
Freelance Writer

“What do you think you are wearing? Your hair looks funny. Gee, you talk good English!”

These are among the ways a bold innovation in academic study will greet admissions’ recruits, says Check DeMonde, president of the new College of Intolerance.

COI adopted its admissions practice in a response to educational trends toward a pedagogy called authentic teaching, which emphasizes hands-on practice and real world applicability of course material.

“We have a mission to prepare students for the realities of a post-civil society and we’re are not only recruiting students, we are seeking faculty from among the crassest and the best,” DeMonde said. “Those who post sarcastic and cutting remarks on websites anonymously may be eligible for tuition assistance or even handsome bonuses, if they are on our team and prove how nasty they can be.”

Many institutions seek ways to teach students to fail in a way that builds resilience and optimism. COI hopes to create the most aggressive model of character strengthening.

A list of epithets and ethnic slurs runs as a continuous slideshow on the Intolerance website, differentiating this college from the rest.

“Our graduates won’t have trouble proving their worth in the workplace,” DeMonde said. “They will pass a grueling oral exam in which even innocuous questions will be responded to with a sneer and a void of meaningful content. In this way, students will spread our brand well beyond the campus doors, which are bolted to sissies and wimps, by the way.”

A cartoonist is currently fashioning the college mascot, based loosely on gargoyles stolen from nearby churches.

“The three Rs are now obsolete,” said chief academic officer Rose Landon. “They have been replaced by the four Bs. We stand behind our preference for a curriculum that nurtures the natural talents of bullies, boors, brats and bigots.”

“We don’t care who you hate,” added chief development officer William Wilson. “Your donations are welcome. Old bigots never die. They just leave us in their wills.”

Jake Walbrunster, who would have been a high school senior except that he was expelled for harassing fellow students as well as teachers, is giving serious thought to applying. He believes his talents may blossom at COI.

“So many colleges say: ‘Think ahead and give to others. Be smart.’ Blah, blah, blah, and all that shit,’” said Walbrunster. “The College of Intolerance says ‘Tell me who you really are, and we’ll make sure that you are rewarded.’”