A haggard Professor Jody Matthews needed a double shot of espresso at the campus Jumping Bein’s Café to make it through his two physics lectures on Wednesday. Matthews spent a sleepless night trying to come up with the perfect comeback to sophomore Nate McNare’s muttered heckling in Tuesday’s lab.
“I’m exhausted,” said Professor Matthews in the faculty lounge, “but I couldn’t rest without an answer.”
“Matty has always been the hardest worker on our team,” said physics adjunct Xi Yan. “When he told me about his quest for the perfect comeback I knew he’d find something good, but he really outdid himself.”
“He had the perfect tone, perfect elocution and the finest wording I’ve ever heard,” said shaken physics C- student Webber Harris. “I’ve inspired a lot of comebacks in my career, but Professor Matthews reset the bar. He humiliated the kid and terrified everyone who’s heard about it since.”
“I wish I could take credit for it,” said Matthews. “After all that agonizing, the answer came to me when I finally gave up. It’s almost like it wrote itself. Now that I’ve heard what a chilling message I sent to not just that student but every student in the world, I’m humbled. I really made a difference. I’m making the world better.”
“Perfect comeback? Yesterday?” said McNare, the student at which the comeback was aimed. “I guess he said something that made people go bananas. I wasn’t paying much attention.”