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by Diana Senechal

"Ethan is a constant source of stress for the college," says President X. "His high achievement challenges both his classmates and faculty. Who does he think he is?"

“Ethan is a constant source of stress for the college,” says President Genoeg. “His high achievement challenges both his classmates and faculty. Who does he think he is?”

Warwick, RI—Inundated with research studies about the social inconveniences caused by bright students, many colleges have begun to expel them or make their lives miserable. “Enough,” declared Gertrude Genoeg, president of Meson College. “Let’s not expel the geniuses. Believe it or not, we need them.”

(“Who is ‘we’?” asked one of the geniuses. “That’s a question we aren’t supposed to ask around here,” answered her roommate.)

Whoever “we” is, the “we” of Meson cannot do without brains. First of all, noted Genoeg, group work would go nowhere without a brilliant student pulling it along. “Most of the kids, once you put them in groups, they sit around and socialize,” she explained. “We all know that. You need those super-bright misfits who don’t care if they end up doing everyone else’s work and don’t really like to spend time chatting. They’re the ones who make the group look good.”

Along similar lines, the geniuses play a key role in peer tutoring and homework help. “Last year, we had a dismal 50 percent passing rate across the departments,” said Genoeg. “This year, we turned things around. We set up study halls and had the top students tell the struggling students what to write. That didn’t change things too much, so we had the top students actually do the homework for the others. Then our passing rate soared to 98 percent. Amazing. We’d be foolish to give that up.”

The geniuses’ contributions are not limited to the intellectual sphere. “A lot of our students are just waiting for someone to pick on,” Genoeg told us. “They need to get it out of their systems. The geeky kids fit the bill.” A new program called “Biorhythmic Bullying” was catching fire at colleges around the country. “We love it,” said Genoeg. “Research has shown that the best way to stop bullying is to let kids do it regularly. That way, their impulses calm down.” The victims weren’t really victims, she explained, since they were performing an essential community service.

Meson’s ultimate goal is to divest itself of unusually bright and capable students. “We want to have everything revolve around the average student,” said Social Affairs CEO Lance Marquis. “It’s better for everyone, because they can all relate, and then because of that, they feel successful. We want all of our students to feel successful, because they come out of high school feeling successful, and they’d get pretty disappointed if that feeling went away.” Although the college’s statistics would take a hit, its overall feeling and young alumni donations would both improve. “What’s the good in accomplishing things, if you know deep down that someone else is doing it for you?” asked Marquis. “We’d rather have less accomplishment and more pride.”

According to inside sources, the college plans to use the brilliant students for another five years or so, but to stop admitting new ones. “The problem is really our doing,” said one anonymous dean. “We go ahead and admit these kids, and then we’re saddled with them. The simplest solution is to stop admitting them!”

A brilliant student (who requested anonymity) agreed that the fault lay primarily with the admissions office. “If I hadn’t gotten into this school,” he or she said, “I would have been spared a cartload of misery. That’s not to say I wouldn’t have found comparable misery elsewhere. But then it would have been my own doing, and not the conniving of my alma mater.”

So ungrateful,” commented another student. “I mean, we’re being nice and letting these brainy kids stay for now. We’re giving them sort of a heyday. In a few decades, they’ll be gone.”