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by Diana Senechal

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“You have to remind students that there’s no time for intellectualizing,” said President Ongeduld. “‘No time’ must become the reality and that means no seasons.”

Hammerdrop, VT—Last week, while campus lawns waxed thick and green under the sprinklers’ rain, Fair Future College announced an end to all seasons. As of August 1, there will be no summer, fall, winter or spring. According to officials, this paradigm shift will allow students and faculty to focus on achievement.

We were losing too much instructional time with summer vacations,” explained President Harry Ongeduld. “Other institutions are abandoning their vacations, but we decided to take it a step further and abandon the very concept of summer. To get students into work mode, you have to get them out of nap-in-the-shade mode, read-for-fun mode, and take-out-your-clarinet mode. You have to remind them that there’s no time for that. ‘No time’ must become the reality, and that means no seasons.”

Philosophy professor Gertrude Elka elaborated on the implications of the change. “When students believe that there’s a time for everything, they also believe that there’s something special about such a time,” she explained. “Take birthdays. It’s all arbitrary that you would treat one day as special because it’s the day you were born. Why not celebrate your birth second or minute? Or day of the week, for that matter? When you look closely at those honored times, you see that they are constructs of our wish to honor something.” She shuddered. “In the 21st century, our goal is not to honor, but to get.”

Not all students applauded this decision. “I don’t know what we’ll do without a fall and spring semester,” lamented Vernon Pike, a junior. “I know they plan to call them Semester A and Semester B, but it isn’t the same. I happen to like the fall. What’s worse is that we won’t have a winter break. It will be called Go-Home Mandate Number Two. I know the point is to keep us in achievement mode, but I’m not even sure what I’m supposed to achieve at this point.”

He doesn’t know what to achieve because he’s spent so much time making excuses,” noted Sean Benthmark, the college’s Change Consultant. “He’s had weekends, holidays, ‘downtime,’ you name it. He’s probably had some kind of religion, too. Now, we’ve got nothing against religion here—this is a diverse institution—but it’s kind of funny how many holidays those religions have and how big they are on seasons. It’s like they don’t really want you to be productive all the time, because then you’d be superhuman, and that’s a no-no.”

President Ongeduld concurred: “What’s really pernicious here is kids’ false notion that they can afford to stop working, even for a second. They can’t. They have to push on. If they pause, they might even think of changing majors. Lots of waste there. Hell, they might even join an a cappella group.”

Asked how the college would handle the football season, Ongeduld chuckled. “Of course, that’s our one exception,” he said. “We have to keep the alumni donations coming in. So, we’ll have a football season, a hockey season, you name it. But the athletes themselves are going to learn a little chant, to keep things in perspective. Here’s how it goes, if you’ll forgive my voice—I’m no Pavarotti.” He stood up, cleared his voice, and began.

Season versus Reason?

Who’s gonna win? Reason!
Why are we here? To learn!
Why do we learn? To earn!
What does it take? Reason!

And that means no more Season!

That’s totally incoherent,” snapped Elise Razum, who withdrew her Fair Future College application after watching the chant on YouTube. “How can they spout such claptrap in the name of reason?”

It gets a lot less coherent than that,” said Ongeduld. “She should hear some of the chants they do at other colleges. She’ll be transferring here in no time.”