by Leah Wescott
Last week, new personnel at Padres Hermanos College experienced the brand new ExMem Eraser 2000 machine designed to eliminate any risk of intimidation of seasoned staff.
“We had a problem with new staff walking in here with expertise that was different from the people already here,” explained human resources coordinator Janet Shaver. “The new staff had fresh ideas that interfered with the smooth-running status quo that Padres Hermanos prides as a tradition”
“The ExMem simply wipes the memories of the new faculty and staff,” said its inventor Clyde Garnett. “In the 1000 version, it cleared all memories of previous jobs, but the 2000 model is able to maintain recall of career failures and embarrassing moments.”
“We tried it on one of our uppity new tenure-track professors,” said Shaver. “Poof! Suddenly she wasn’t the winner of the “Best Teaching Award” at her previous institution. She was a pleasant, cooperative teacher.”
“We have some current staff in line for optional-but-strongly-encouraged testing of the ExMem 2100,” said a hopeful Garnett. “I’ve tinkered with the design and I think I can gently anesthetize all right brain operations without slowing the left brain a bit.”
“I dream of a campus with the highest levels of efficiency and obedience in the world,” said Shaver. “That is until I step into the 2100. The obedience will still be there, but none of that annoying dreaming.”