by W.S. Winslow
Westport, CT – In response to a spate of online “confessions” from Beta Zeta Zeta fraternity members at Filbert Bister College, angry chapter alums have threatened to withdraw funding. At a recent reunion, some even threatened to revoke the house’s charter.
Formerly known as the hardest partying frat on campus, BZZ has, in recent years, become one of Filbert Bister’s most respected houses, switching its focus from debauchery to academic excellence and public service, but not everyone is pleased with the change.
“It’s outrageous!” exclaimed Wilhelm “Phaz” Phutter, BZZ ’83, when asked about the controversy. “These wimps are defiling our reputation.”
He handed this reporter a printout of the following confession, which he said was typical:
I almost drove drunk last night. Tried to climb into my car after two beers, but my brothers intervened and took my keys. You guys are the best!
— Twizzler, BZZ ‘15
“I don’t even know where to begin,” mused Butchie Snark, BZZ ’69. “I mean when DIDN’T we drive drunk in college? Look, I know it was dangerous and all, but TWO BEERS? In my day we called that BREAKFAST!”
Cliff “Ratface” Bismark, BZZ class of 1992, says, “I read a confession from some guy who was thinking about quitting because he had to clean up vomit! I mean, it’s not like he had to sleep in it, and anyways, it was his own.”
In response to an anguished confession about referring to a female classmate as feminine rather than the politically correct female-presenting, Miles “Hooker” Cranmore, BZZ ’67 wondered, “Whatever happened to babe? What’s wrong with that?”
BZZ alums pointed to other, similar transgressions such as lapses in recycling, eating unsustainably raised beef and guilt about torrenting music files as further proof that today’s BZZ brothers are “total losers, not worthy of the BZZ name.”
Notes Jake Gristle, BZZ ’91, “We were the Buzzards, man, the hardest of the hardcore, the craziest lunatics on campus. We were completely out of control, and everybody knew it. I mean it took a lot of work to get that rep, and now these guys have totally blown it.”
Still, Edward “Grunt” Miller, BZZ ’78 notes there are encouraging signs. “I checked out the site last night and read one from a guy who woke up on the house lawn without his pants and couldn’t remember losing them. That’s more like it.”