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NbNNW Introduces Student Food Compost Bank

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by Dr Bob Schvinsky
Freelance Writer

"We'll have to start testing the fertilization effects of compost made of caviar and champagne," said ecological sustainability major Molly Brubaker.
“We look forward to testing the fertilization power of compost made of caviar and champagne,” said NbNNW ecological sustainability major Molly Brubaker.

North-by-North-North West, located in the absolute barren wilderness of Canada’s far north, is excited to announce its latest student-centered green initiative. The NbNNW Student Food Compost Bank is an exciting initiative that will once again position NbNNW as Canada’s greenest campus.

At the end of last month’s management-only Xmas party, which by excluding faculty and support staff, saved NBNNW an estimated $12,000, President of Presidents Gladiola Warner noticed the many remaining tables full of exquisite food prepared especially for this event. Warner commented, “You know, it does seem a tad shameful to throw all this wonderful food away.”

As she smoked the traditional president’s end-of-year cigar, (one cad suggested this traditional cigar was linked to the up-in-smoke approach to management spending, which drew a hardy laugh especially from the CFO and her 21 directors), Warner added, “I don’t think we ate even one quarter of what our chefs prepared for us.”

It is believed that credit is due to Jeremiah Bertmullis, vice president of septic sciences, who suddenly awakened from a long winter’s slumber to proclaim, “Why, we should create a Student Food Compost Bank! That way, all this food won’t end up in the town dump.” The senior vice president of academic VPs loudly exclaimed, “What a stupendous idea.”

The president of presidents, leaping to her feet, loudly proclaimed, “Lots of universities have student food banks but I bet NbNNW would be the first with a Student Food Compost Bank.”

Every manager nodded in unison. Betty Boorsey, VP of student services added, “Why, by George, we’ll help our poorest students by helping them help themselves!”

Nigel Largebottom, vice president emeritus enjoying a glass from one of the few remaining casks of original Napoleon brandy, excitedly contributed, “Then, students lacking fresh compost could get some soil from the Student Food Compost Bank, grow their own fresh crops in dormitory kitchens and reduce their expenditures on food.”

Beatrice Buck, VP of cafeteria services, expressed concern over the potential for reduced sales of Ramen noodles, a huge profit maker for the college.

“Selling plant super-steroid growth hormone at the cafeteria should more than compensate for any reduction,” said Stephen Stepper, senior director of general of food support.

 Noting NbNNW’s geographic location in the frozen tundra of Canada’s far North where food waste tends to freeze solid for ten thousand years rather than compost, the Canadian government tentatively approved a $11.2M facility expansion to sustain the optimum conditions for food composting, approximately 31c (93F) according to recent study by Dr. Smother-Butt, world renowned expert in post-compost production techniques.

Union President Norbert Appoletica suggested that the study should also include the amount of management flatulation emulating from NbNNW’s 19-story Administrative Building. “Quite a stench.” he noted.

Students have responded positively to the proposed changes.

“We’ve been trying to grow our own plants in our rooms for decades,” said student body vice president Wendell Dahl with a wink.