by Con Chapman
ed by what they call “inexcusable neglect” of college dance teams, the American Association of University Professors today called on the nation’s institutions of higher learning to devote the same attention and resources to female undergraduates as they do to men’s sports.
“College dance teams are a vital part of the liberal arts experience,” said Morton Everett, a professor of philology [not sic], at Ohio Wesleyan University. “Just because cheerleaders talk while they jump around, and baton twirlers throw things up in the air and catch them, that’s no reason to treat dance team members as some sort of third-class citizens.”
The AAUP, the largest professional organization for higher education instructors, is volunteering its members’ time and expertise to ensure that America does not slip behind foreign competitors in international dance team rankings, which they view as essential to a high standard of living. “We asked for volunteers to measure dancers’ body fat and vertical leaping ability, just like member institutions do for football and basketball players,” said Irving Seagal, a professor of classics at Shimer College in Illinois. “I am proud to say that we were simply inundated with lonely old men who said they’d be delighted to help.”
College professors rank their occupation high in terms of job satisfaction despite pay that is generally lower than what comparably-educated professionals earn. “You have a flexible schedule with summers off, and there’s no heavy lifting,” said Norman Alcorn of Middlemarch College in Plaistow, New Hampshire. “You also have unlimited access to a steady stream of aesthetically pleasing undergraduate women, who for some reason stay the same age even as you get older every year.”
Volunteers say they will adhere to a strict set of guidelines when testing coeds’ physical capabilities as part of a multi-year study of America’s dance team preparedness. “There will be no sex for good grades on mid-term exams if I have anything to say about it,” said Professor Theodore Zuckerman of Cornwall College’s English Department. “But then, I’m not head of the department, so I don’t have anything to say about it.”