by Jeffrey Ross
Freelance Education Policy Researcher
At a raucous press conference held today outside Department of Education offices in Washington, DC, higher education policy researchers Jeffrey Roz and Yann Kontento revealed the harsh – and simply stunning– results of a 20-year longitudinal study—a project which irrefutably connects the proliferation of educational leadership doctorate degrees to the staggering growth of America’s national debt.
“We were surprised, too,” said Roz in nodding response to a reporter’s general query about the results of his team’s revealing robust research. “At first, while doing a nearly accidental trend analysis we found something interesting. To wit: as universities have awarded more and more doctorates in educational leadership over the last 25 years—well, to put it simply—the direction of that upward line on the graph almost exactly parallels the increase in America’s national debt.”
Expert mathematician Tomas Gambolini, from Copperfield Community College in North New Mexico, did an actual data point slope analysis on a graphing calculator.”
Gambolini’s initial response at his computations? “Whoa! What the h—! “
Further data was collected by Roz and Kontento from quadrated sources. Accredited universities, for-profit online degree mills, the Department of Education’s typically massaged statistics and the US Treasury Department’s latest QE 4 machinations were all included. The researches conducted plot prediction and trend analysis equations and reported a nearly 1-1 correlation. Using a chi square, they determined the expected outcomes almost exactly matched the observed outcomes.
Roz explained, “We don’t see anything political in our study or our results. The increases in both financial chicanery and doctoral awards per annum seem completely unrelated to voter rights, social justice, gay marriage, the Ukraine crisis, Tea Party activities, immigration, sustainability, DUI laws, e-books, novels about community college hijinks, or beer consumption.”
“We’re not really sure if the debt has been caused by the degrees or if the degrees caused the debt—we’ll need to perform further Meta or ratatouille-triangulated cheddar analyses to figure that out. That seems like a lot of work to me right now.”
“Anyway, based on our findings, the 17 trillionth doctorate in education leadership should be awarded sometime during the first summer session of this year.”
“Next—we are going to see if there is a connection between the numbers of residence life staff strategic planning meetings each semester and the emerging nuclear threat in Iran.”