by Monty Tufnel
Reacting to Starbuck’s unprecedented move to offer all of its employees free education with Arizona State University’s online programs, Walmart has teamed with a new player on the higher education landscape, Sugar Daddy University, to offer its employees an “advanced degree option.”
“With all due respect to Starbucks our executive team finds their move fiscally irresponsible.” announced Cliff Duebelganner, Walmart spokesperson. “Of course we’d love to support our wonderful employees but the high price of tuition at most institutions of higher education, as well as their liberal arts leanings, makes such an option unrealistic to the Walmart mission.”
Still, at a shareholder’s meeting this week, someone pointed out the recent emergence of Sugar Daddy University, operating out of New York. Founders Carla Abonia, a self-proclaimed sugar baby, and Alan Schneider, “sugar daddy mentor,” provide a course for women seeking a wealthy romantic partner and for men to “understand the sugar daddy lifestyle.”
“We have to be practical with our altruism. It was a no-brainer once we discerned that Sugar Daddy was not an acredited institution,” said Duebelganner. “Shareholders didn’t want to invest millions of dollars in superfluous courses, such as Introduction to Basic Math or Written Communication 101, that won’t do our employees any good.”
According to Walmart’s press release, it was the paradoxical idea of “a single course as a university curriculum,” costing the corporation no more than two or three management training sessions, that sold the shareholders.
Several Walmart employees have approached their managers about details, only to be told that the specifics still needed to be worked out. Nevertheless, staff like Beulah Frye are eager to begin.
“Look at the course outcomes,” Frye tells her co-workers, shifting the conversation from the usual hush-hush of unionization plans. “Sexuality, understanding, generosity, attraction and reciprocity.” She beams as she waves the press release. “I don’t know about yous all, but I already got sexuality so I’m spectin’ to test out of that part of the course.”
Others, such as Helena Hellsbottom, are more intrigued by the opportunity to consult with plastic surgeons.
“Look at this nose,” Hellsbottom commands anyone who will listen. “This huge shnoz has been the only thing stopping me from getting a man for the last 30 years.” She jumps up and down excitedly, shaking breasts barely held in by her $2.99 Tim McGraw t-shirt. “Obviously, I don’t need anything done to these puppies.”
So far, no one from Sugar Daddy University has publicly acknowledged the agreement. Rumor has it that they were hoping for a deal with Neiman Marcus.