by Kara Sumter
In a shocking revelation, staff members in the division of student affairs at SUNY-Gotham are starting to suspect that their newest work-study hire is neither working nor studying while in the office.
“Lucille watches a lot of YouTube videos on her laptop, but I can’t tell if they are work related because she has her headphones in,” said Amy Jensen from student activities. “I guess she could be working on a project for someone, but I have a difficult time understanding what grumpy cat on a cruise ship has to do with our work.”
Staff report that a work-study “Task List” is posted each day, right next to the employees’ time cards, and that traditionally students ask for new work assignments when they complete a project. Housing Coordinator Eric Williams seemed especially concerned about who will cut out all the stenciled letters for his department’s Welcome Back signs this year. Williams said, repeatedly, “Not me. Not again this year,” when asked who would take the lead on the sign making project.
Dr. Carl Reagan, dean of students, told reporters that he is growing increasingly concerned regarding who will shred things for him and make copies.
“Lucille says she’s very busy with office projects when I ask about her workload, and I don’t want to upset her by questioning her work ethic,” said Regan. “Our office administrator is on a family vacation for the next two weeks. At this point, I have answered the phone all by myself at least twice each day, and it doesn’t leave me time for much else. Perhaps we need to hire several more student workers.”
At press time, the Lucille could not be reached for comment. She does not answer the phones or respond to email, and she can’t really hear what anyone says when her headphones are in.