In a recent press conference, Chinese diplomats were quoted as saying, \”Hey, United States! We\’re rubber and you\’re glue. What you say bounces off our honorable country and sticks to you.\” America’s easiest human rights scapegoat, China, took advantage of the admissions scandal at the University of Illinois to show the world that it’s really […]
by I.M. Knott-Tawkin Staff Writer Determined to finally put his obscure campus in a forlorn town on the map, Dr. John F. Doe, recently tenured at Scourge College, has decided to follow in the footsteps of other academics notorious for flogging their transplanted hometowns in public. His 5,000-word essay in Scourge Yesterday shocked locals even […]
by Brody Truce Senior Staff Writer Student affairs staff at Danberry Quaker College in Plymouth Meeting, PA scrapped their freshman orientation plan this week after a revelation from Jesus Christ stating that he was “disappointed” in the college’s orientation theme. The revelation occurred during the weekly all-college Quaker prayer meeting, in which faculty and staff […]
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