Professor Forgets Tenure Privilege Doesn’t Carry Over into Real World

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"I'd heard about tenure abuse but I never really believed it," said the maitre d the next day. "The carnage was worse than any story could tell."
“I’d heard about tenure abuse but I never really believed it,” said the maitre d the next day. “The carnage was worse than any story could tell.”

Professor Art Grisselman was hospitalized Friday after he was savagely beaten by a gang of restaurant patrons and staff.

According to police reports Grisselman entered Giovani’s Bistro at the busiest time of the evening and expected to bypass the hour-long waiting list and receive immediate service.

“All of the witnesses said that Professor Grisselman demanded immediate service because he could tell he outranked everyone else in line,” said Police Leiutenant Ron Hellman.

“At first I felt sorry for him,” said Maureen Keller, who is accused of initiating the gang beating when she kicked Grisselman in the shins. “I thought he was blind because he brought a dog into the restaurant. Then I overheard the maitre d gently tell the man he had to remove the pet and the professor went ballistic.”

“When the maitre d went to find a manager, the jerk who cut in line was yelling after him. He lit up a cigar and blew smoke into the faces of everyone waiting in line,” said another patron who had waited in line for 55 minutes when Grisselman entered. “Ms. Keller asked him to put his cigar out and he told her, ‘These cigars were a gift from a top Cuban scholar and, by the way, I don’t speak pedestrian.’ When Ms. Keller kicked him in the shin I yelled for reinforcements.”

Chef Fabrizio Leonardi told police that he bolted from the kitchen when he heard of the attack on Grisselman.

“That asshole has come into our restaurant every Friday for three years and every time, he asks to talk to the chef so he can berate the quality of the food,” said Leonardi. “I admit I rubbed Alfredo sauce in the guy’s hair and slapped him with a stick of pepperoni.”

“This is a classic case of tenure abuse,” said District Attorney Wendy Claus. “It’s amazing that Professor Grisselman wasn’t educated about his real status in society sooner. I’ve informed the mayor that keys to the city will need to be cut for the 30 citizens to helped educate the professor.”

“My wife is a lawyer and we each drive a Prius,” said Grisselman. “We’re suing this hospital for towing our two cars from the handicap spots. Apparently they expected us to walk from the much further ‘regular’ spots. For that alone we could sue for defamation of character.”