College Expands List of Banned Halloween Outfits

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by Brody K. Truce
Senior Head Writer Emeritus

Sexy Witch
Evidence collected for Tuesday’s conduct hearing.

Fountain Hills College, known to be a thought-leader in the world of policy development and implementation, released a revised version of their banned Halloween costume list this year. The list, which currently appears as an electronic supplement to the college’s previous 279 page Policy Handbook, includes nearly 100 newly banned costumes.

“We’ve seen an upsurge in alarming, graphic and ‘sexy’ costumes this year. Some of them really push the limits of our Title IX policies,” explained Dean of Students Dr. Bonnie Mendoza. The “sexy” costumes, she said, were of particular concern to college leaders. According to the handbook, the term ‘sexy’ (as pertaining to Halloween costumes) includes:

“…any of the following qualities that intend to create provocation: intentionally decreasing the total square footage of an existing costume to reveal more skin; employing the use of excessive lipstick, lip balm or chapstick; unnecessarily increasing the overall volume of blonde hair; excessive pouting; the use of limericks; any padding intended for ‘the other use.’”

The college’s board of trustees held a special emergency session on Saturday to discuss several Halloween costume incidents. As a result, the following list of costumes were specifically banned due to their offensive, alarming or “sexy” nature:

Abercrombie Model
Adam or Eve with Fig Leaf
Al Qaeda Operative
Au Pair
Brian Williams
Britney Spears (circa 1998 – 2003)
Brown M&M
Doctor Who (Matt Smith and David Tennant only)
Ebola Patient
Sexy Ebola Patient
Empty/Full Alcohol Bottle
George Clooney
ISIS Operative
Marijuana Leaf
One Direction Band Member
Sexy Administrative Assistant
Sexy Angela Lansbury
Sexy Bat (mammal only)
Sexy Betty White
Sexy C3PO
Sexy Cat/Kitten
Sexy Chess Piece
Sexy Cow
Sexy Darth Vader
Sexy Donkey
Sexy Dry Erase Marker
Sexy Elizabeth Warren
Sexy Gene Simmons
Sexy Ghost
Sexy Horse
Sexy Hot Dog
Regular Hot Dog
Hot Dog w/out Bun
Sexy Inkblot
Sexy John Boehner
Sexy Judge Judy
Sexy Librarian
Sexy Macintosh Classic Computer
Sexy Mitch McConnell
Sexy Mitochondrial DNA
Sexy Mr. Kool-Aid
Sexy Nancy Pelosi
Sexy Nurse
Naughty Nurse
Sexy Oprah
Sexy Parrot
Sexy Pen/Pencil Set
Sexy Potted Plant
Sexy Pumpkin
Sexy Santa
Sexy Satan
Sexy Student Evaluation
Sexy Teacher/Professor
Sexy Twitter Icon
Sexy Witch
Swimsuit Model
Twilight Character
Zach Galifianakis