News

VPs Choose Competitors for Fight-to-the-Death “Hubris Games”

Print Friendly
"I chose the shredder as my weapon," said IT associate Maddie Gordon. "If I have to face anyone from the Humanities faculty I know none of them have gone green."
“I chose the shredder as my weapon,” said IT associate Maddie Gordon. “If I have to face anyone from the Humanities faculty I know none of them have gone green. Destroying their 20-year-old lesson plans will kill them.”

The 22 vice presidents of Parma College (PC) kicked off this year’s celebration of the campus’s annual tradition called “The Hubris Games.”

“The Games started twelve years ago, when PC added its twentieth VP position,” said Vice President of Athletics Mel Grandy. “Faculty and staff started questioning the fact that their salaries hadn’t changed in five years but the campus could afford more six-figure executive positions than any other school in the country.”

Parma announced the rules of the game along with its participants the following fall.

“Two faculty or staff members are randomly chosen from each functional area of the college and dropped in the middle of campus to fight using a variety of weapons provided by the judges,” said VP of Recycling Amy Phoenix. “Last year’s weapons included email for career-killing gossip, internal-only job postings and insufficient budgets.”

“The Games were the brainchild of VP of Bookstore Relations Cara Fuller,” said human resources representative Jonah Harkin. “Morale was incredibly low on campus and people pointed fingers at the top-heavy administration. The games were designed to encourage staff to point fingers at each other instead of their superiors. It’s really democratized the campus and the results last well beyond the one-week game.”

“I used to like the staff over in admissions, but now I see that they’re just money-grubbing weasels,” said Mabel Kulik, assistant professor of Classics. “Their department is bigger than ours, so they create an unfair balance in drawing for participants in The Games.”

“This competitive spirit gives Parma an excellent advantage over other universities,” said Fuller. “I was going to co-present a conference presentation with Monica Schneider from Art History last year, but unfortunately she, uh, didn’t make it.”

“I guess it wouldn’t have mattered anyway,” Fuller said upon reflection. “All of our travel budgets have been frozen for four years to save money for a new VP of Catering position.”