by Matthew Javidi
Last Tuesday morning, 23-year-old environmental science graduate student Darren Rotman expressed excitement to teach his first group of students who spent $30,000 this semester to be in his class.
The first-year masters candidate told reporters that he looks forward to meeting his Environmental Science 201 undergrads, most of whom are taking out massive loans to be taught by a man who is only three years their senior.
“It’s such a great opportunity for me to share my knowledge with these kids,” said Rotman, who was barely potty trained around the time his students were born. “I remember being a wide-eyed young undergrad getting ready for my first class.”
Sources indicate that Rotman has already written a lesson plan for the entire semester despite having no teaching experience whatsoever. When asked about the difficulty such inexperience might present to his course, Rotman replied, “Luckily, I took this very same course just two years ago, so most of it is pretty fresh in my mind.”
Prepared as he may be, Rotman still has his work cut out for him. The roster for Environmental Science 201 currently lists twenty-five students whose parents sacrificed thousands of dollars for their children to be educated by a man born in 1991. Properly educating that many students already neck-deep in debt is a daunting prospect for any teacher, even those old enough to be emotionally affected by 9/11.
“It’s going to be a tough semester, but I’m looking forward to the challenge,” said Rotman. “I just hope these kids don’t treat me like some old fuddy-duddy who can’t relate to them.”
The first class of Rotman’s Environmental Science 201 takes place next week, on the five-year anniversary of Rotman receiving his driver’s license.
Matt Javidi is the founder and editor-in-chief of the satirical news magazine Gaucho Marks. He has taught the “Contemporary American Satire” Colloquium at UC Santa Barbara.