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iPhone Introduces App that Turns Anything into an Offensive Statement

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iphoneApple CEO Tim Cook announced in front of an auditorium of tech lovers, the iPhone’s newest app – OffBase Pro. According to developers, the app will now simplify the process for individuals to take offense to anything a friend, colleague or even a stranger says to them.

“Before, when someone said something easy like, ‘I like your braids,’ you could quickly accuse the other person of racism,” said Cook. “But braids are a simple example. Taking offense wasn’t as easy with every phrase.

Cook explained that a more complex algorithm was necessary when dealing with deceptively innocuous statements.

“Say, for instance, a stranger sees that you can’t reach something on a grocery store shelf and says, ‘Can I help you with that, ma’am?” Cook spoke the phrase into his phone, which was projected onto a large screen behind him.

“Your iPhone knows you and can give you the best options to take offense for your particular circumstances. Here are a few examples.” Cook pressed the OffBase button and a list of responses appeared:

“Just because I’m short doesn’t mean I’m too stupid to solve a problem, asshole.”

“You think I can’t reach it because I’m black.”

“I’m a strong woman. I don’t need your masculine paradigm to save me.”

Cook shows that you can push a button for additional options:

“I resent gender-based pronouns. How do you know I’m a ‘ma’m’?”

“I’ve been standing here five minutes waiting for you to help. You just enjoyed watching me struggle to prove your tall privilege.”

“Do you know where the word ‘help’ came from? It’s an American phrase that keeps one person in power and the other subservient. My Native American ancestors would have used a more healing language.”

Cook scrolled down and showed over 100 more options for taking offense and the crowd erupted with cheers.

“Any questions?” Cook asked the crowd.

“‘Any questions?’ is a tricky way of showing us you are in control, said one audience member who read from his phone screen. “You asked that because I’m one of the employees who works here and you want to reinforce your hierarchical superiority.”

“Very good, very good,” said Cook as the audience laughed.