Campus Puts Budget Request Moratorium on “Anything That Could Break”

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brokenA new requirement for capital budget requests may be just the answer John Quincy University has been looking for to eliminate its fiscal woes.

“I noticed that we have many items on budget requests redundant with items I’ve seen in previous years,” said VP of Financial Affairs Thomas Whedon. “Repeated requests for furniture are the most troubling. How many times do we need to replace tables and chairs?”

“I support Vice President Whedon 100 percent,” said Coordinator of Equipment Acquisitions Luke Jenner. “I’ve maxed out my resources, always ordering the cheapest, lowest quality equipment I can but we can’t afford to buy more when students will just break what we buy. It’s not a sustainable model.”

“From now on, I will deny every budget request for an item that could break,” said Whedon. “I’ve already turned down capital requests for beds for our new residence hall, desks, chairs and windows. Until our students show that they are responsible adults, we will keep acting as responsible administrators.”

“I was the one who broke the sofa in Bruno Hall,” said junior Willis McJames. “I was reading my Neolithic History book and leaning against the wooden arm when it snapped off. Under the veneer, it was just sawdust. I don’t think it was meant for a grown man to sit on.”

“I broke two of the legs off the table in the lounge of the honors hall,” said Daniela Wooster. “I used to host a group tutoring session there every Wednesday and we’d put the tables together. The first time, the wheels on the table broke. The second time, the legs splintered and fell off. I’ve brought a table my parents bought at WalMart to the sessions the last few weeks and they seem to be holding up better.”

“I’ve spoken to our chief disciplinarian to demand a crackdown on negligence,” said Whedon, but I’m afraid I may have to have the same conversation with Human Resources. “Last week it came to my attention that one of our professors broke a stapler. If that rumor turns out to be true, harsher measures may be taken.”