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Non-Alcoholic Campus Dance Clubs See 2% Increase in Losers

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loser danceThe National Association for Campus Activities (NACA) released new data this week indicating a promising increase in attendance at non-alcoholic college dance clubs.

“In our efforts to decrease student drinking, our Wednesday Night DJ Mixer had a nice boost in numbers,” said Director of Student Events Evie Merkel from Portland Maine University. “We restrategized this year, moving the DJ Mixer from Fridays to Wednesdays and our attendance did just what we’d hoped.”

“We kept our Friday Night Holla Fest on Fridays, but moved the hours to 7:00 to 9:00 p.m.,” said Campus Events Coordinator Derek Glover from Mother Madre University. “The late night hours didn’t attract students, and frankly the earlier time is more consistent with our staff’s philosophy of self-care.”

“I love the DJ Mixer, no matter what time it is!” said regular Maureen Givens. “I don’t drink or anything immoral like that and it’s an event that attracts people like me naturally. I was hoping to meet more people there, but they’re probably busy studying.”

“I’m not too good with girls and I heard women more in my league hung out here,” said Holla Fest firsttimer Abe Strothers. “It’s pretty laid back and there are no jocks or frat guys here to compete against. I’ll probably come again.”

“We haven’t gotten our results from this year’s alcohol use survey to know the real impact of our program,” said Merkel, “but we’re positive we’re going to see a big decrease in abuse. Numbers can’t be wrong.”