Extreme Eco-Activist Demands Tax on Vegans for Gas Emissions

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"That looks like a whole lotta gas..."
“That looks like a whole lotta gas…”

Members of the newest, most radical environmental activism group EcoXism, founded at Converdancy College, have taken aim at a new enemy – vegans.

“Vegans like to sit on their high horse, saying they’ve chosen an eco-friendly lifestyle, but it’s a lie,” said EcoXism founding member April Glamyre. “They emit more toxins into the environment any other eating groups.”

According to Glamyre, the all-vegetable diet of vegans produces carbon dioxide and methane, both of which harm the environment.

“They’re killing the earth,” said Glamyre, who says she created EcoXism when her participation in the Students for the Environment League and the Undergraduate Vegetarian Society felt unfulfilling. “I’m not alone in my crusade. EcoXism is a small but vocal group committed to change.”

“We wish April the best,” said Freddie Travers, president of the Undergraduate Vegetarian Society. “We found her approach to everything so adversarial and not-so-scientific we had to gently ask her to leave, but I’m sure her heart is in the right place.”

“It’s just a big clique,” said Glamyre of the other clubs. “I’ve found people who have been socially ostracized really appreciate an ability to connect and fight for a good cause. Just because those other clubs like each other and do good work doesn’t mean they’re better than me. My farts are better than theirs and I’m ready to prove it.”