Using Only Facebook, Co-ed Establishes Himself as Conscience for the World

Print Friendly, PDF & Email
"I noticed
“I noticed on my way to class one day how some people don’t use their lawn trimmings for mulch,” said Joey. “I immediately posted something to inform the world.”

One day Joey Mattrical was just an average college student. The next, he found himself elevated to the status of “Conscience for the Whole World.” In a classic tale of pauper to pontificator, Joey exemplifies how social media has democratized leadership for the world.

“I wasn’t a likely choice to be the Conscience for the Whole World,” said Joey. “I barely passed most of my classes in college and really hated the ones that made you talk about world issues or, God forbid, justice. I thought joining clubs was stupid and I really couldn’t stand the know-it-alls who bragged about all the community service they did like they somehow knew something I didn’t about the world.”

Then one day Joey responded to a news article he saw on Facebook about a kitten that had been rescued by a local fire fighter and he commented, “Is anyone else offended that the kitten got more pictures in the article than the fireman?”

Suddenly, Joey’s Facebook alerts showed him that his friends and family had “liked” and commented on his post more than any of his previous submissions.

Joey experimented by posting more opinions about kittens and fire fighters, but he said he could almost hear angels sing when he realized the true magic. “Anytime I write ‘Is anyone else offended…?’ I create a community that cares about something. I’m an activist. Me, Joe Mattrical! It’s hard to believe how much I stand for things and how much attention I get for it.”

To date, Joey has still avoided any education about the state of the world, social issues, political ideology, or humanity in general.

“I think education pollutes things,” said Joey. “My opinions are pure right now. I can read about race or gender or class or religion and find something to be offended by all by myself. I don’t need people who have actually studied these topics to have my own opinion. Last week I had my most Likes yet on a post I made condemning someone who was trying to raise money for autism research. I pointed out that the guy wouldn’t make eye contact with the other people at the event. How can you trust that the money will go to the right place if he can’t even look you in the eye? I just say the things other people are thinking.”