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Not a Single Professional at Atlas College Can Afford to Send Kids to Atlas College

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"We explained to our son when he was little that no matter what he does he will never be good enough for Atlas," said one professor.
“We explained to our son when he was little that no matter what he does he will never be good enough for Atlas,” said one professor. “It’s better that he learn these lessons now.”

As Atlas College celebrates its thirtieth consecutive year at the top of US News and World Report’s regional college list, mathematicians have discovered a quantum anomaly in Atlas’s economic structure.

With tuition priced at nearly $80,000 per academic year, Atlas has exactly zero sons or daughters of its faculty and staff in attendance.

“We are the model of modern higher education,” said Atlas Vice President of Finance Winston Haer. “We attract only families of means and offer a menu of curricula guaranteed to lead to six-figure incomes upon graduation. Adults who have chosen careers in higher education should know that they are not the profile of an elite Atlas family.”

“My son has said his whole life that he loved the Atlas campus and wanted to pursue a career in high finance,” said professor of business ethics Stanley Mosier. “I was grateful when admissions counselors sat down with us to spare him the embarrassment of applying. After they explained that we would never make the cut we understood perfectly. Who were we to think we belonged in the Atlas family?”

Some private institutions similar in profile to Atlas offer tuition benefits to families.

“Modern higher education cannot survive if we’re going to give free rides to anyone,” said Haer. “These practices of old – tuition benefits, scholarships, financial aid and the like – that’s not who we want to be and no one would feel proud going for higher learning at a place that makes cuts in its standards.”