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Board Announces 12th Failed Search for Visionary Change Agent Who Makes Everyone Comfortable

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Many of the staff were optimistic about the third candidate’s history of success until they heard her ideas about change.

Belmont University announced Wednesday that the twelfth search for a new vice president for student life had ended without a successful candidate.

“We found two finalists who were very nice and compliant and able to please everyone,” said political science professor Bailey Miles, who chaired the search committee. “Sadly, neither of them brought any fresh ideas or even a record of successful leadership.”

“The third candidate was a proven dynamo. At her last institution she increased diversity in the student body, improved retention by twelve percent and raised money like a champ,” said Dean Cooper Haskins, who sat in on interviews with all of the candidates. “Unfortunately, many of the staff here were turned of by that finalist’s ideas about change. We thought we were clear in the recruitment materials that the successful candidate needed to be a uniter – someone who made everyone on campus feel comfortable. I thought this one could sail through the interviews but she just didn’t know how to keep her mouth shut.”

“I pray that our next search is successful, or we may lose our current interim VP, Shawn Morningstar,” said Miles. “He’s been a terrific interim for the past four years but I’m hearing rumors that he’d like to start implementing some of the many ideas he has for his division. I would have said that he’d be the perfect person to just appoint to the permanent position but he’s making me a little uncomfortable.”