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Campus Outreach Club Recruits Zero New Members After 12 Hours of Tabling

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___ smiled for a picture then went back to her coversation with
Club members smiled for a picture then went back to checking their texts. “Our students are so apathetic they just walked right by.”

Students forming a new Campus Outreach Club in conjunction with the university’s counseling center reported that zero students signed up to join them after they spent twelve hours recruiting.

“We set up a table in the campus center, right outside the college’s busiest cafeteria and not a single person stopped,” said Outreach Club founding president Micah Wheeler, who says he created the group to help peers show genuine concern for each other. “We committed a lot of our personal time to work shifts, but it’s obvious this campus is just too apathetic.”

“I sat with Micah for five of the hours,” said sophomore Suzanna Mullins. “We played Cards Against Humanity and watched YouTube videos and pretty much modeled how much fun club meetings would be.” Mullins says she joined the club because she “must just care more than other people do about looking out for the well-being of her peers.”

“I joined the recruitment team for about four hours, and it was just boring,” said freshman Chad Beverton. “I thought it would be an easy way to meet new people who care about other people.”

Beverton described instead an atmosphere in which students hated altruism. “I was tired from pulling a couple long nights of studying, so I put my head down on the table to take a nap. I thought it sent a message that we’re not an uppity bunch of jerks but we’re real students just like them. Not a single student stopped to wake me up even though our club sign clearly said ‘All Are Welcome.’”

“People just don’t care about each other anymore,” said Wheeler. “We counted 2,000 people walk by and no one took the initiative to introduce themselves to us.”