Six members of the Atlas College fraternity Pi Lambda Rho were arrested last night for pledging activities that resulted in the hospitalization of fifteen pledges, one of whom is not expected to live. Known as the Hazing Half Dozen, the six students have a team of lawyers, parents, and parents who happen to be lawyers, amassed to demand fair treatment.
“These are good boys with no previous criminal record,” said attorney Miles Blake, who represents two of the students. “The district attorney is manipulating the facts to make this event the defining moment of their otherwise perfect lives.”
“After twenty years as an athlete, loyal friend and high-GPA business major, it’s like they want four hours of beating, sodomizing and emotionally destroying a group of peers to represent their character,” said Marcia Crumley, who is the mother and attorney of fraternity pledge chairman Walt Schultd. “We are currently demanding to know why the boys are being deprived of the nicer criminal justice system for college students.”
“Our boy is currently in a jail cell next to thieves and drug dealers who are real criminals,” added Walt’s father Gregory Schultd. “ We all know there’s a jail somewhere for college students who just happened to make a lapse of judgment, but no one will tell us why our boys aren’t there.”
“It’s been a horrible ordeal in here,” said fraternity president Charles Dawkins III in a note read to reporters by his attorney. “We’ve really learned our lesson from this incident and we’re ready to say we’re sorry for getting caught and embarrassing our chapter. We feel awful about what we did because now we might miss our exams this week and get lower grades than we deserve. We’re ready to accept responsibility for what we did but right now we just want to get out of this criminal jail and get to the jail where they treat you the way you’re entitled.”
“We don’t know what this ‘college student jail’ is but we admit that we have also heard of it,” said District Attorney Ted Groveman. “When I was in college I got caught doing coke the night before the LSATs but my parents came and bailed me out before I even saw the inside of a cell. My lawyer told me he’d make sure to get me out because I’m such a good guy and look at me now. I’m optimistic for these kids.”