Wisteria College invited students and faculty to a combination bonfire/book burning at the behest of campus psychiatrist Wilson Gramercy.
Books, videos and other media by and about famed mythologist and professor of comparative religion Joseph Campbell were collected and shredded into mulch for the Wisteria College Peace Garden.
“Dr. Campbell was a revered scholar for many years and we loved the stories he told about mythology and different religions,” said Gramercy. “Let him stick with what he knows. Things got more complicated when Campbell starting applying what he had spent a lifetime studying and saying that human pain and suffering were part of our natural existence. We can’t let that theory exist in any form. It sends a factually inaccurate, outdated viewpoint to students.”
“We started to suspect there was a problem when students in Professor June Wildling’s Cultural Philosophies of Humanity course refused our perfunctory referrals to the counseling center,” said academic advisor Rodney Yeong. “Some were dealing with some difficult personal issues or academic struggles and they didn’t want their emotions to be fixed. They said bad times and good times were just part of being human. It was weird.”
“When we discovered that the common factor in each of these refusals of service was Dr. Wildling, we looked further into her curriculum – or perhaps ‘cult’ would be more accurate,” said Gramercy. “Wildling’s readings included books from Joseph Campbell that showed that throughout history all people have adopted stories to explore what it means to be human. Seriously, we are in the 21st century. We are in a post-human age.”
“If students are going to cry in my office, that makes me uncomfortable,” said residence hall director Joyce Rockerford. “If they aren’t willing to do something to make it stop, then it’s a bigger problem. There are medications to deal with their sadness, fear and anger, and if these upset students refuse to comply we’re not afraid to send them to the hospital. Ninety percent of their peers understand how easy and appropriate it is to get a prescription from Dr. Gramercy. We even have students self-medicating with recreational drugs. They know it’s illegal but they’re willing to be leaders in the charge against feeling bad feelings.”
“I don’t think it’s weird or a cult,” said Jamie Fernandez, a student in Dr. Wildling’s seminar. “I had never heard that it’s okay to feel real feelings before taking this class and reading Dr. Campbell’s books. Feeling bad sometimes when things are hard makes me appreciate how good the good times are. I’m so fired up about this topic I’m even changing my major to philosophy. I’m following my bliss and I’ve secured a fellowship for graduate studies.”
“Oh great,” said career counselor Quincy Jordan. “Now the cult is infiltrating our department. Everyone knows the jobs are all in engineering these days.”