Title IX Training Helps Sweet Football Player Realize He Really Must Be a Rapist

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College of Wesleyan Arts scholar-athlete Jonah LeGault turned himself in to the CWA Office of Disciplinary Affairs on Friday, telling the staff “I must be a rapist.”

After a twelve-hour course on Title IX policies, required for all varsity athletes at the university, LeGault said he realized that he wouldn’t be required to do this training each year if he weren’t a predator.

“I grew up with two moms, and was taught about consent from a very early age,” said LeGault, who won last year’s Character Achievement award at the annual sports banquet. “The first couple years I sat through the training thinking I already knew the stuff our Title IX coordinator was teaching, but this year I finally got it. She wouldn’t keep coming back with the same workshop about how we should respect women unless she saw something that we didn’t.”

“I’m shocked that Jonah would be the one under investigation,” said Eric McCoy, the assistant football coach who recruited LeGault. “Part of the reason I scouted him was because of all the community service he did for a local women’s shelter in his town. He seemed like a stand-up kid.”

“I guess it was when they made us do role plays about intervening at parties if we saw that a female friend had too much to drink,” said LeGault. “I felt completely unnatural reading off the script. It just didn’t feel comfortable, so I had to face the fact that if I were a good bystander I’d be able to playact being a bystander while all of my friends were making fun of my performance.”

“We’ve had several other students come to us with concerns that they must be rapists,” said Director of Disciplinary Affairs Alexis Edwards. “None of them have examples of when they pursued sexual activity without consent, but they say the training is really showing them that they are all clueless about boundaries.”

“I’m encouraged by this news,” said CWA Title IX Coordinator Margot Naugle. “I use the same PowerPoint presentation with all of the Title IX definitions written on it, but students always look so bored when they listen to me. I had no idea I was really getting through to them!”