Archives
March 2010
- 19: Spring Break Draws to End. Weary Middle-Class Parents Rejoice
- 18: Mexico Prepares for Influx of College Students Who Hate Each Other
- 17: March Madness Entitlement Protest
- 16: College Alters Structure to Eliminate Student Interference
- 15: The Placement Exchange Adopts Greek Recruitment Policies
- 12: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-03-12
- 12: Tufts Inadvertently Builds Ideal Spot for Sex-Displaced Roommates
- 12: 4140 in 414 Days: Groveling to Bring Higher Ed Humor to the Masses
- 11: University Rejects Gay Student Organization to Promote Inclusivity
- 10: Faculty Senate Dinner Theater
- 09: Conference Hotel Employees Shocked at ACPA/NASPA Merger Halt
- 09: Job Posting: Emotionally Fragile Campus Counselor
- 08: NASPA 2010 Update: Oprah Pissed at Conference Coup
- 08: Awkward Moment at Placement Exchange as 70 Candidates Wear Same Suit
- 05: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-03-05
- 05: Beloved Professor Dies of Pizza Overdose
- 04: University Faces Lawsuit After Failed Attempt at Innovation in Search Process
- 03: Job Post: Professor of Life Lessons. Criminal Record or Sex Scandal Required
- 02: Student Activists Wage Haiti v. Chile Throwdown
- 01: Shocking New Study Finds Cookie Cake Ineffective at Improving Staff Morale
February 2010
- 26: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-02-26
- 26: FERPA Enforcement Reaches New Extreme
- 25: Students Uninterested in Using Crosswalks. Bored Administrators React
- 24: New Tool Helps Administrators Get Personality
- 23: Orientation Staffs Devestated by Global Glitter Shortage
- 22: Coeds Sue When College Doesn’t Activate Dorm Webcams
- 21: Tune in Wednesday for CronkNews Editor’s Podcast Debut
- 19: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-02-19
- 19: Student Finally Gets What Professor Was Talking About All Those Years Ago
- 18: Pissing Contest of the Week: Who Works Harder? College Professionals With Kids or Without?
- 17: Student Socialist Caught Wearing Deodorant
- 16: Students Spend a Little Too Much Time Wondering if Professor Starkey is Gay
- 15: Dean Who Won Twittering Award Inexplicably Fired
- 12: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-02-12
- 12: Lane Kiffin’s 5 Tips for a Fantastic Valentine’s Day
- 11: Harvard Entrepreneur Pushes New Trend with Community College Fashion
- 10: To Compensate for Marginalization, Campus Employees Receive Job Title Bonuses
- 09: Job Posting: Consultant Needed to Fire Margaret
- 08: Yale on Cutting Edge of Hiring Developmentally Challenged
- 08: Submissions Sought for Special CronkNews Conference Edition
- 05: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-02-05
- 05: Congratulations! Coed Pamela Roggins Sets New Record for Writing “Facebook Is Boring” on Facebook
- 04: Meeting Minutes from Campus Collaboration Committee
- 03: Colleges Fear Repercussions of Not Granting Tenure to Jerk
- 02: Intellectuals Seek Opportunities to Teach Chris Matthews to Think about Race Every Minute
- 01: College Presidents Kick Off Black History Month with Inspiring “Some of My Best Friends Are Black” Speeches
January 2010
- 29: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-01-29
- 29: To Combat Morale Problems, University Institutes Mandatory “Smile Fridays”
- 28: Non-Drinker Caught Using Sacred “I Was Drunk” Excuse
- 27: College Newspapers Self-Report High Levels of Cleverness
- 26: Undergraduate Folk Musician Mistakes Getting Laid for Having Talent
- 25: Slacktivism is the New Apathy
- 22: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-01-22
- 22: University Fires Director of Creative Studies for “Giving Students Ideas”
- 21: University Promises High Rankings and Equal Opportunity through $100,000 Tuition Pricetag
- 20: Universities Slash Budgets, Enforce Creepy Imagination Strategy
- 19: College Institutes No-Pants/No-Underpants Safety Rule
- 18: Student Successfully Pulls a Tiger Woods at Conduct Hearing
- 15: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-01-15
- 15: Fraternities Still Convinced Dressing Up Once a Week Will Change Stereotypes
- 14: Hot New College Fashion Trend: Backpacks on One Shoulder
- 13: Higher Ed Admins Edge Closer to Defining for Families What the Heck They Do
- 12: College Celebrates New Policy on Policies with Policy Fair
- 11: University Improves US Student Performance through Entitlement-Based Grading
- 08: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-01-08
- 08: Students Still Blame Cafeteria for Red Bull Diarrhea
- 07: RA Attempts Citizen’s Arrest at Local Starbucks
- 06: Trustees Hold Emergency Meeting to Decide Whether to Name Building for Dirty-Name Donor
- 05: Theater Student Voted Out of Arts Dorm for Not Bringing Enough Drama
- 04: #1 Best of Decade: Colleges Create New and Exciting Ways to Make Dorm Sex as Uncomfortable as Possible
- 04: #2 Best of Decade: UCLA Undies Runners Just Want to Be Treated Like Adults
- 03: #3 Best of Decade: University Implements Beauty Requirement for Graduating Seniors
- 02: #4 Best of Decade: University Offers New Major in Literal Arts
- 02: #5 Best of Decade: University Rejects Plan to Do Right Thing. “Not Measurable,” Says VP
- 01: #6 Best of Decade: H1N1 Flu Scare Second Only to Twitter Competency Requirements in Recent Faculty Poll
December 2009
- 31: #7 Best of Decade: In Bold Move, College Replaces Tenure with Get-Out-of-Jail-Free Cards
- 30: #8 Best of Decade: College Radio DJ Reprimanded for Selling Out
- 29: #9 Best of Decade: Faculty Annoyed by Brilliant Student Until He Becomes Famous
- 28: #10 Best of Decade: 34% of College Administrators Use MBTI Personality Types to Shirk Responsibilities
- 27: #11 Best of Decade: Food Allergies Considered for Learning Disability Status
- 26: #12 Best of Decade: NCAA Experiments with Millennial-Friendly Win-Win Policy
- 25: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-12-25
- 25: #13 Best of Decade: Staff Member Marries the Rules in Campus Chapel
- 24: #14 Best of Decade: Orientation Programs Overtake God in Perceived Ability to Fix Everything in the World
- 23: #15 Best of Decade: Nat’l Coming Out Day Considers Including Closeted Michael Jackson Fans
- 22: #16 Best of Decade: Universities Sanctioned for Replacing Racist Masots w/ Stupid Alternatives
- 20: 2009 Admissions Retrospective: Most Requested Non-Existing College Majors
- 18: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-12-18
- 18: Mark Your Calendars: 2010 Higher Ed Social Networking Conference
- 17: Student Sues University: “Wasn’t Told Learning Was Required.”
- 16: Residence Life Breaks Age-Old Cliché, Selects Non-Olympics Training Theme
- 15: Axed ND Coach Turns Losing into Lo-Fat Lemon Cheesecake
- 14: Clemson and LSU Tigers React to Unexpected Spike in Web Searches
- 11: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-12-11
- 11: College Gamers Reject Best Chance at Scoring with Real Woman
- 10: Naive Administrators Toil Over Budget Requests that Will Never Be Considered
- 09: University Implements Beauty Requirement for Graduating Seniors
- 08: Job Posting: Multiple Openings for Nicest Boss in the World
- 07: Professor Has Awkward Encounter with Student in Virtual Adult Novelty Shop
- 04: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-12-04
- 04: D-III Athlete Forgets He Really Isn’t a Big Deal
- 03: H1N1 Closures Down While Chronic Whining Hits Record Highs
- 02: Student Activists Outraged at Stalled Health Care Debate; Interferes with Important Celebrity News
- 01: Following Porn Controversy, University of Maryland Seeks Shock Advice from Adam Lambert
November 2009
- 30: Astrophysicists Fail to Explain How Sun Continues to Rise after Northeastern Dumps Football Program
- 30: Reminder Memo about Holiday Sensitivity
- 27: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-11-27
- 27: Op-Ed: Did CA Raise Tuition to Divert Attention from Some Unpopular Decision?
- 25: In Bold Move, College Replaces Tenure with Get-Out-of-Jail-Free Cards
- 24: New iPhone Apps for Student-Weary Tenured Professors: Homework Humiliator
- 23: Nerds Wearing Ill-Fitting Interview Suits Spur On-Going Nature/Nurture Debate
- 22: CronkNews Concedes Defeat in Twitter Competition with Ashton Kutcher
- 20: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-11-20
- 18: Replacement for Fired Director Miraculously Improves Department with Double the Staff and Budget
- 17: New iPhone Apps for Student-Weary Tenured Professors: “Student Coming” Alert
- 16: Job Posting: Whack-Job Spouse
- 13: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-11-13
- 13: Nerd Fears Fraternity Just Using Him for His Brains
- 12: Relief at Miami University. Student Not Dead — Just Doesn’t Own Cell Phone.
- 11: Barney Fife Trapped Inside Body of RA
- 10: University Updates Respect Credo with Shocking Honesty
- 09: Six Weeks Later, Campus DJ Still Waiting for Caller Number Four
- 07: Tweet Us Your Job Search Stories!
- 06: Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-11-06
- 06: New iPhone Apps for Student-Weary Tenured Professors: Paper Grading Postponer
- 05: Student Services Department Does Everything It Can Think of Short of Change to Improve Student Satisfaction
- 04: Job Posting: Bike Cop
- 03: Job Posting: Token Search Committee Member
- 02: University Passes First-Ever Honor Code of Silence
October 2009
- 31: College Halloween Countdown: Cliché #1 Cross Dressing
- 31: College Halloween Cliché Countdown: #2 Not Wearing a Costume as a Costume
- 30: Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-10-30
- 30: Halloween Special: Supervisor’s Office Haunted by Ghost Sending Unpopular After-Hours Emails
- 28: College Halloween Cliché Countdown: #3 Professor Loralei in Her Weird Leprechaun Costume
- 27: College Halloween Cliché Countdown: #4 Strippers, Streakers and Exhibitionists
- 26: College Halloween Cliché Countdown: #5 Trick or Treating
- 26: College Halloween Cliché Countdown: #6 Too-Smart Obscure Costume References
- 23: Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-10-23
- 23: Old Guard Physics Profs Request Secession
- 22: Campus Police Chief Wins NAAPC Presidential Tolerance Award
- 21: New iPhone Apps for Student-Weary Tenured Professors: Calendar Protector
- 20: Job Posting: Robot Professor
- 19: Fashion Advice to Help Morehouse VP Adapt to Anti-Gay Dress Code
- 16: Administrators High-Five Each Other for Having Facebooks
- 15: Professor Dunkleman Trying a Little Too Hard to Be Cool
- 13: Student Governments Gear Up for Another Awesome Year of Standing Up to the Administration with Tough Demands for Better Cafeteria Food
- 12: College Football Coach Moonlights at Home Depot to Cover Living Expenses
- 09: Changes to National Coming Out Day Tradition Exciting for Entire Campus Community …Except Lesbians
- 08: No Rich Kid Left Behind Consortium
- 07: Wanted: Obese Wellness Instructors
- 06: Wanted: Skinny Neurotic Wellness Instructors
- 05: Inspired by Tufts New Sex Rule, Colleges Add More Overprotective Policies
- 03: Update on CronkNews v. Kutcher Twitter Competition
- 01: Deans Dress as Doofuses in Misguided Attempt to Earn US News Attention
September 2009
- 30: Colleges Create New and Exciting Ways to Make Dorm Sex as Uncomfortable as Possible
- 29: Job Posting: Assistant Dean of Student Services. Internal Candidates Encouraged. Really Encouraged.
- 28: Admissions Office Recruits First-Ever Perfect Freshman Class
- 25: Individual Appointed to Oversee Systemic Change
- 24: Department Doubles Number of Meetings. Can’t Figure Out Why Communication Is Still Poor
- 23: Parents Face Harsh Disappointment Realizing They Don’t Really Have 500 Friends
- 22: University Offers New Major in Literal Arts
- 21: Campus Reminder: Pity Party for Former VP This Friday
- 19: Latest Stats in CronkNews v. Kutcher Twitter Showdown
- 18: Friday Fun Poll: Which Celeb Would You Least Want at Your College?
- 17: CronkNews’s Wescott Challenges Ashton Kutcher to Twitter Throwdown
- 17: University Rejects Innovative Plan to Do the Right Thing. “Not Measurable,” Says VP.
- 16: NYC Rejoices at Advent of Another Meaningless NCAA Bowl Game
- 15: College Student Fails in Attempt to Set World of Warcraft Record, but Inadvertently Wins Greasiest Hair Award
- 14: Harry Potter Actress Joins Elite Ivy League Orientation Activities
- 11: New iPhone App for Student-Weary Tenured Professors: Office Hour Randomizer
- 10: College Employers Seek Treatment for Grandeur Withdrawal as Recruitment Season Ends
- 09: National Losers Club Celebrates New Sleep Study
- 08: That Mean Girl from High School Shows Up in Joey’s English 101 Seminar
- 07: Professor a Little Too Emo for Her Own Good
- 04: College Graduates Blame Economy for Consequences of Skankiness
- 03: Sophomore Ennui on the Rise: College Counselors Blame FML
- 02: Job Posting: Available Immediately: Agent of Change for the Sake of Change
- 01: Students Still Think Creepy Professor Thompson Is Cool
August 2009
- 31: Greg Inexplicably Embarrassed by His Cool Mom at College Orientation
- 28: Friday Fun Office Pool: When Will the First College Prez Get Caught Plagiarizing This Year?
- 26: College Radio DJ Reprimanded for Selling Out
- 25: Committee Writes Best Report in the World
- 24: Indiana University Introduces New H2Onor Code for Bobby Knight Induction
- 21: NY Times Sets Cutting-Edge Standard with Ballsy Tour Guide Story
- 20: H1N1 Flu Scare Second Only to Twitter Competency Requirements in Recent Faculty Poll
- 19: Southeastern Athletics Conference Considers Banning Trips to the Fridge During Televised Games
- 18: Tenn Schools Loosen Rules on LGBT. Now More Time to Focus on Real Issues – Like Cupcakes.
- 17: College Administrator Calls Campus Police to Report Scary Twitter
- 14: This Week’s Friday Fun Poll: Which non-issue is your students’ top issue?
- 12: Rick Pitino Uses Pimp Hairdo to Deflect Attention from Sex Scandal
- 12: Topless Spring Break Coeds Receive Diplomatic Medals of Honor
- 11: Immediate Opening: Associate Vice Dean of Special Learning Excellence and Programmatic Efforts to Enhance Retention and Campus Community Multicultural Communications
- 10: Faculty Annoyed by Brilliant Student Until He Becomes Famous
- 07: Math and Physics Professors Collaborate to Explore FERPA Loophole Theorem
- 06: Feminists Demand Apology: Activist Too Pretty
- 05: Career Advice for Lawsuit-Happy Trina Thompson
- 04: UCLA Undies Runners Just Want to Be Treated Like Adults
- 03: 34% of College Administrators Use MBTI Personality Types to Shirk Responsibilities
July 2009
- 31: Food Allergies Submitted for Recognition as Official Learning Disability
- 31: No One At Cal Tech Will Score a Date This Weekend
- 30: Scientists No Closer to Perfecting Committee Idea-Vacuum Technology
- 29: Courts Support University’s “It’s Not Official Unless It’s on Facebook” Stance
- 29: Exposé: Cool College Kids Revealed to Have Been High School Nerds
- 28: Penn State Voted Top Puke School!
- 28: Science Major Burned in Lab Accident. Professors Blame Her Poor Fashion Sense.
- 27: Colleges Seek Accreditation for Sloppy Joe Eating Internship
- 27: University Breaks Ground on State of the Art Benchmark
- 24: Available Immediately: Professional Professional Development Specialist
- 24: Superficial College Student Reflections Punctuate Cronkite Memorial
- 23: Crummy Professors Self-Glorify After Gladwell Speech
- 23: Rural College Evacuates after Dumb-Ass Terrorism Threat
- 22: Exclusive Interview with the Weird Guy at the End of the Hall
- 22: Idiots Hold Candlelight Vigils for Harvard’s Endowment
- 21: Rich Kids Forced to Go to Ivy League Safety Schools after Illinois Scandal
- 21: Two Honest MBA Students Allegedly Seen Having Lunch Together
- 20: University Charged with Human Trafficking after Hocking Football Team
- 20: Mean Old China Gets Great PR from University of Illinois Admissions Scandal
- 17: National Lampoon’s Community College Vacation – sort of
- 16: NCAA Experiments with Millennial-Friendly Win-Win Policy
- 14: Freshman Orientation Programs Overtake God in Perceived Ability to Fix Everything in the World
- 14: Staff Member Marries the Rules in Campus Chapel
- 14: State University System of New York Rewrites General Education Mission
- 13: National Coming Out Day Considers Including Closeted Michael Jackson Fans
- 13: Employer Sells Out to that Entitled Millennial Grad
- 12: Call for Programs: National FME-CSP Conference
- 12: Nine Universities Update Curricula to Include 1-Credit CYA Course
- 11: Public Annoyed at Higher Education. Average Joe Doesn’t Understand What the &^*# Colleges are Doing.
- 11: Math Researchers Discover Diversity Really Is a Number
- 09: Students Elated by Announcement of “Real” Commencement Speaker
- 09: Universities Sanctioned by NCAA for Replacing Racist Masots with Stupid Alternatives.
- 09: Students shocked to learn that professors have visual capabilities in the classroom
June 2009
- 30: Available Immediately: Director of Student Activities, Tufts University
- 30: College Lesson from MJ’s Death: B-List Media Whores Are Scary, but Shouldn’t Keep You from Homework
- 29: Director of Admissions (Dangerously Close to Anticipated), University of Cambridge
- 28: Anticipated Opening: President, Jacksonville State University, Alabama
- 27: College Lesson from MJ’s Death: B-List Media Whores Are Scary, but Shouldn’t Keep You from Homework
- 23: Hustler Magazine Rumored to be Savior in City College of San Francisco Bailout
- 19: Students Must Return Orientation Safety Magnets as Act of Contrition
- 17: Employees with Douchebag Spouses Wait Nervously for UNLV Decision
- 10: Rates of Faculty Alcoholism Decline as Popularity of PowerPoint Reaches Record High
- 09: Vermont College of Arts Sets New Standard for Sensitivity with Organism Weekend
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