June 2013
- 18: Odd Couple Fights Lonely Battle Against Grade Inflation
- 13: Faculty Development Retreat Huge Success for Same 10 Professors as Last Year
- 12: Irma Pelt Dares to Come Out — of Retirement
- 07: College Sells Itself As Ghost Campus Vacation Spot
- 05: Ambiguous Advising: A New Theoretical Model for Academic Support Staff
- 03: “Let’s Not Expel the Geniuses,” Says College President
May 2013
- 31: Dare Greatly! The Cronk Book Club Is Only One Month Away.
- 28: Rutgers Apologizes for A.D. Hiring Decision. “We Panicked When Bobby Knight Declined.”
- 24: Professor Pulls All-nighter to Think of Perfect Comeback for Student Heckler
- 23: College Denies Allegations of Teaching
- 20: Students of Today Demand More Relevant Commencement Awards
- 17: Join the CronkNews Summer Book Club!
- 15: As Value of B.A. Declines, Some Males Ask “Is 6th Grade Really Worth It?”
- 14: Poetry: When I do Count the Costs of My Degree
- 08: Football Players Give Back and Go Back to School in Off-Season
- 07: College Library De-offensifizes All Holdings
- 01: Meme: Other Duties as Assigned
April 2013
- 30: Security For Biz Commencement Speakers Tight in Down Economy
- 25: University Grants First PhD in Undecided
- 24: “Teach Us How to Teach,” Pleads Faculty
- 23: Rat Pack the Subject of New Pop-Cult Philosophy Curriculum
- 16: Graphic: The True Meaning of Inclusiveness
- 15: Elite College Offers Internship Credit for Cocain Dealing Students
- 11: CEOh-No! Failing Fat Cats to Appear in Reality “Trade” Show
- 10: University Promotes Autism Awareness with Expensive Building Illumination
- 09: Physics Symposium Marred by Water Balloon, Silly String Fights
- 08: Will the World End by Meeting or Eating?
- 03: Meme: College Economics
- 02: College Vows to Favor the Unmotivated
- 01: Department Celebrates Thirteenth Name Change in Three Years
March 2013
- 27: In Competitive World of Marching Band, One School Takes Best Hit
- 26: College Expels Bookish Students
- 25: English Professors Demands Use of “i” to Restore Academic Deference
- 22: Philosophers Debate Strippers, Midget Wrestling at Annual Confab
- 21: Campus Finds Traces of Horse Meat in Dining Hall Tofu
- 19: NASPA Session Attendees Agree: Room Really Hot
- 18: BREAKING: NASPA Conference Canceled after Hotel Starbucks Runs Out of Coffee
- 18: NASPA to Crown “Best Student Affairs Theory” at National Convention
- 15: Podcast Resources: April Fool’s Campus Newspaper Prep
- 15: Podcast: How to Prepare for Your College News April 1 Edition
- 14: Professors Practiced Up for St. Pat’s “That’s Nothing. When I Was in College…” Patter
- 13: College Revives Marriage Prep Tradition
- 12: Cartoon: Memories of ACPA in Las Vegas
- 12: English Profs Strike to Defend Right to Sleep With Students
- 11: Free Podcast: How to Prepare Your School Newspaper for April Fool’s Day
- 07: Graphic: It’s the Last Night of the Conference…
- 01: Hillary Clinton Banned from Higher Ed Conference for Modeling Poor Work/Life Balance
February 2013
- 28: Meme: My residents hate me…
- 22: Today: Fridays Are Satire Days Podcast with Diana Senechal
- 21: At Toro College, Everyone Is a Class President
- 20: Meme: Most Popular Professor on Campus
- 19: Administrators Introduce New Euphemisms to Improve Room Lottery Satisfaction
- 18: Fridays Are Satire Days: Higher Ed Rebel Diana Senechal on 2/22
- 15: “Rogue” University President Returns Half of Salary, Vows to Focus on Necessities
- 13: Student and Professor Submit Competing ADA Requests
- 12: Luniversity to Eclipse Online Classes
- 11: To Deflect Attention from Concussions, Colleges Replace Cheer Teams with “Commend Leaders”
- 04: Graphic: Future College Student Assessment
January 2013
- 31: Four More Things Culliver Reveals about 49ers Locker Room
- 30: Texas University and Elementary School Agree to Historic Early College Credit
- 29: University Hosts Staff Retention Prom
- 28: Campus Police Raid Catfish Tutor Ring
- 24: Veterans Storm College, Frighten Administrators with Revolution of Competence
- 23: Top Secret Home Remedies from Adjuncts Maximize Earnings
- 22: Pangloss University Eliminates All Teacher/Learner Distinctions
- 17: University Saves Emergency Response Funds. Replaces Bullhorns with Yodeling.
- 16: After Long Denial Student Leader Gives Candid Non-confession for Misconduct
- 16: College of the NorthSouth to Ban Faculty this Spring
- 15: Women’s College Takes Steps to Become More Women-Friendly
- 14: Colleges Host Anti-UPhoenix Bash To Promote Higher Values
- 11: The Truth About Room Lottery (Graphic)
- 09: HigherEd Poetry: A Dean Came Down the Walk
- 08: Math Chair Solves Gender Problem With “Ladies Matriculate Free!” Policy
- 07: 22-Page Syllabus Template Helps Professors Set Tone for Learning
December 2012
- 28: January 4 Podcast: Fridays Are Satire Days with The Satire Project Geniuses
- 21: Mayan-American Student Association Teams with Development Office for 12/21 Capital Campaign
- 19: RA Bulletin Board Cures College of Ignorance and Bias
- 18: University President Fears For Own Life Upon Release of Salary Information
- 17: University Appoints 21st Century as Presidential Selection Committee
- 13: College Freshman Cannot Find Decent Translation of “Paradise Lost”
- 11: College Liberals Club Offended by Homeless Values
- 10: University Announces Controversial Hours-Tracking Method to Meet Obamacare Requirements
- 05: For-profit University Turns Research I after $454 Million Grant for “Super Stapler”
- 04: College Drops Kant, Purchases Clickers
- 03: Ultra-focused College Keeps Silly Bomb Threat Announcements to Itself
November 2012
- 30: Plagued by Tenure Disputes, One School Tries “American Idol” Format
- 29: Geek Chic: On Campus the Therm has Turned
- 20: University Uses Zip Line to Enhance Safety and Reduce Carbon Footprint
- 19: Football Coach Stops Info Leaks by Muzzling Players
- 16: Podcast Debut: Friday is Satireday today at 1:00.
- 15: To Boost College Readiness, Colleges Become Student-Ready
- 14: ACUHO-I Graphic: My Father Introduced Me…
- 13: Accreditation Commission Determines Potlucks Must Be Assessed
- 12: More Coeds Turn to Sweat Gland Removal Surgery to Fight “Glistening”
- 09: Adjuncts Anonymous to Convene at Minima College
- 08: Professional Association Arrested for Incest
- 07: Weed Is Legal: The College Edition (Video)
- 06: Ohio Student Revels in First Election Experience
- 05: San Diego Students Tragically Inconvenienced by Hurricane Sandy
- 02: To Quell Cafeteria Complaints College Debuts Energy Bar
- 01: CronkNews to Launch Satire Podcast Series
October 2012
- 31: Halloween Graphic: My Feminist Heroine…
- 30: Graphic: Hurricane Preparation 101
- 29: Medical School to use Cadavers in Halloween Fundraiser
- 29: Graphic: Dear Hurricane Sandy…
- 25: Colleges Bid Millions in Auction for Hot New Brand
- 24: To Focus on Real-World Relevance College Bolts Doors to Kind and Gentle
- 23: Graphic: The Day Red Plastic Cups Became Classy
- 22: For One Visiting Professor, Game Film a New Genre
- 18: Graphic: I’m Quitting My Grad Assistantship…
- 17: Shocking Study Shows College Students Suck at Internet Privacy
- 16: Administrator Announces She’s Heading Down to the Meeting
- 15: College Announces Professor-for-Dorm Exchange
- 11: Graphic: America’s Next Top Model, College Edition…
- 10: University Thrilled to be Included on Local Weekly Newspaper’s ‘Best of’ List
- 09: Faculty Denied Tenure Are Branded “Thoughtful”
- 08: In Compromise, Football Scoreboard to Offer Poetry
- 05: Campus Reels When Hometown Girlfriend of Effeminate Student Comes for Visit
- 02: New Adjuncts Hired on Day-to-Day Contract
September 2012
- 26: Graphic: Remember when our RA bought us cookie cake…?
- 25: Newest Trend in Administrative Fashion: iPad as Accessory
- 24: Templeton Foundation Gives $4 Million Grant to Answer Timeless “Woodchuck” Riddle
- 20: Graphic: These Residents…
- 19: Douchebag Returns from Internship with Shockingly Realistic Career Insights
- 18: Gerontology Study Concludes: Aging Sucks
- 17: College Bans Words “Intellect” and “Culture”
- 14: “Dorm Troopers” Are Mercenaries in Battle for Plum Rooms
- 13: Poem: The Second Billing
- 12: Office Hostage Situation Reaches Third Hour
- 11: Ramses University Streamlines Success. Eliminates All Executive Leadership
- 10: NASA Studies Ancient Physics Professor to Improve Oxygen Tank Technology
- 07: Graphic: My Invisible Knapsack…
- 06: Online Writing Erases Outmoded Writing at College of the Northsouth
- 04: One Undersized Player Set to Lead Football Team to New Heights
August 2012
- 31: Graphic: Students, Please Don’t Touch
- 30: International Helium Shortage Leads to Massive Orientation Layoffs
- 29: University’s Fake Following Sets World Record
- 28: Mushroom Society Issues Penn State Severe Warning
- 27: Student Attends 27 Orientations, Enrolls at 3 Universities
- 23: University Inaugurates Pre-Orientation Orientation
- 21: Graphic: Pet Policy
- 20: Campus Introduces Humiliation Games to Determine Departmental Budgets
- 14: Staff Wraps Up Invigorating Retreat Discussions about What They Should Be Doing
- 13: Olympic International Sensation Returns to University Obscurity
- 10: Graphic: Behind Closed Doors
- 09: College Composition Embraces Obfuscation
- 07: Graphic: Staff Training Day 4
- 01: ACPA Files Class Action Lawsuit Against August
July 2012
- 30: Ralph Lauren Rebounds from Olympics Gaffe with Beach Volleyball-Inspired Winter Designs
- 26: Department Celebrates 30 Years of Excellence in Micromanagement
- 24: Graphic: “Can You Call Me Back…?”
- 19: Higher Ed Managers Implement Ambitious “Drive” Strategies Following Book Discussion
- 17: Did you hear the one about the Penn State Trustee and the Statue?
- 16: Summer Book Club #2: Rhapsody in Daniel Pink
- 11: Homeland Security Turns to Alumni Officers to Track Down Terrorists
- 10: Graphic: People Love Me at Conferences…
- 09: Assessment Team Finally Cracks Secret of Great Assessment Results
- 07: Housing Office Eliminates 100% of Roommate Conflicts with Paperless Assignments Management
- 02: University Celebrates Annual Paradigm Shift
June 2012
- 29: CronkNews/SA Blog July Book Club: Drive
- 28: Ripoff College Replaces Passé Grading with Merit Badges
- 26: Poem: I’m a Vice President! What Are You?
- 25: U-Va. Rector Dragas Aims to Remove God from Notre Dame
- 24: Thomas Jefferson Rolls Over in His Grave
- 22: Art History Majors and Charity Lingerie Shows Get Post-Wedding “Royal Bump”
- 21: Cronk Teams with @The_SA_Blog for July Book Club
- 20: Options to Tonight’s @CronkNews Book Club
- 19: College Desperately Hunts Elusive “Trend Story”
- 15: Excessive Hashtags “Breaks” Student Affairs Twitterverse
- 08: Family of Graduate Sets New Standard in Love-Showing Unruliness
May 2012
- 31: Get Ready for the CronkNews Summer Book Club
- 23: University Enlists Theater Department to Cast Internal Job Searches
- 15: Bursars Rejoice as Scientific Breakthrough Makes Prestige Edible
- 14: John Edwards, Jack Abramoff Headline College Ethics Tour
- 10: Robo-rhetoric to Debut at College of Dreamy Oaks
- 09: Outrage as Cronk Blogger Calls Freedonian Studies “Bogus Claptrap”
- 08: Play Along with Move-Out Bingo!
- 07: Employee Educated About Priority of Crucial CYA Paperwork
- 07: Graduated Students Demand Refunds for Useless Education
- 02: Aging Hippie Recalls Days of Rage Through Child’s Play
- 01: New Presidential Lecture Will Allow Us to Pretend History Is Fun
April 2012
- 30: Staff Exhausted after Hiding All Flaws for Trustee Campus Improvement Tour
- 26: PC Patrol to Launch at Buckeye State
- 24: Taking Innovation to the Nth Degree: The University with No Name
- 23: To Boost Results, College Bans Literature
- 20: Ruinous Foundation Releases Bold New Study: Strategic Plans Make No Difference!
- 19: School for College Presidents Teaches Basics to Ambitious Deans
- 18: Student Newspaper’s Crassness Column Reflects More Accurate View of Academic Discourse
- 17: Dungeons & Dragons Club Finds LARPers a Little Too Weird
- 16: 19-Year Old College Student Proves White Privilege Does Not Exist
- 11: Campus Bans Toilet Paper in Courageous Step to Stay Nation’s Greenest U
- 10: Xavier Drops Contraception Coverage, Plans to Stop Hiring Sluts
- 09: College Adopts Millennial-Appropriate Posse-Building Program
- 05: Hate-to-Be-Here Genre Spawned by Long-Time Faculty Member
- 04: Bespoke Building: Downsizing Endowments One Brick at a Time
- 03: Pro-War Folksinger Has Stage All to Herself
- 02: Vending and Safety Professionals Unite Over Burned Popcorn Crisis
- 01: Cronk Editor Guest on Special April Fool’s Podcast
March 2012
- 27: Convos Overheard at ACPA: Episode 1
- 26: ACPA Job Placement a “Drag.” Resources Reallocated to Conference Entertainment
- 23: ACPA Announces End of Placement; NASPA Offers Free TPE Registration to Former ACPA Employees
- 22: Jock-Americans Latest Group to Seek Refuge of Hate Speech Codes
- 20: Adult-Learner Facebook Class Tackles the Tough Issues
- 19: Adjunct President Takes the Helm at City State University
- 15: President Disappointed in Weak Effort by Students Protesting Tuition Hikes
- 14: Administrators Add Exclamation Point to Departmental Title
- 13: College Literary Mag to Announce 2010 Winners in Early 2012
- 12: University Perfects RA Selection to Weed Out Originality and Leadership
- 09: Candidate Cancels All Job Fair Interviews to Protect Personal Wellness
- 08: Placement Announces Partnership with Dress for Success
- 07: Airline Announces Waived Baggage Fees on Invisible Knapsacks for Placement Exchange Travelers
- 06: Colleges Build Student Social Capital through Neo-Modern Cocktail Course
- 05: Placement Exchange Interview Tips: Know the Lingo
- 01: Students Still No Closer to Knowing What the Heck a Provost Is
February 2012
- 29: Mathematician Discovers He Is Valid, Too
- 28: As Classics Decline, Aerobics Fills the Void
- 27: University Introduces Octo Living: The Housing of the Future
- 24: Provost Forced To Resign in Scotch-for-Grades Scandal
- 23: Poetry: College College Shining Bright
- 22: MBAs Say Other Grad Students Aren’t Cheating Enough
- 20: Auditions Next Week for Placement Fair Employers
- 17: Video: Don’t You Want to Work in Student Affairs?
- 16: Academic Success Center Harnesses Magic Word: Revolution
- 15: College Mourns as Last Alum Who Knew Words to Alma Mater Dies
- 14: Use of Word “Partner” by Higher Ed Pros Revolutionizes Gay Rights Struggle
- 13: Health Center Posts Sweet New Valentine Buzz Kills
- 07: Department of Poli Sigh to Endorse Candidates
- 06: With Top College Spaces Tight, Women Add Roller Derby to Apps
- 02: President Phil Comes Out of His Office, Sees His Secretary, Predicts 6 More Years with No Raises
- 01: Plushie Fetish Scandal Rocks College Mascot Community
January 2012
- 31: Stung by Plagiarism, Harvard Will Allow Profs to Make Stuff Up
- 30: No-Shave November Leaves Many Itching for Something New
- 27: Cronk’s First Video!: Stuff Hall Directors say to RAs
- 26: Scholars Discover New Personality Type: Nice.
- 25: Sequel Alert: Sh*t Student Affairs Professionals WISH They Could Say by Irma Pelt
- 24: Video: Sh*t Student Affairs Professionals Say by Irma Pelt
- 24: “It’s Academic” Scholarly Romance Advice Column
- 23: Professor Buys Smart Car. Clearly Compensating for Something.
- 20: Wikipedia SOPA/PIPA Blackout Triggers Crisis Levels of Late Assignments
- 19: Grad Student Sets New Record for Dissertation Directors. Hopes 13th Time is the Charm
- 18: MIT Student Stymied by Envelope Addressing Exercise
- 17: College Pledeges to Be Research-Based by 2014
- 16: College Prez Scores with “No Huddle” Academics
- 12: University Announces New Major in Self
- 11: Backward Types in Demand as Colleges Seek Tour Guide Edge
- 10: Admissions Weight Lists
- 09: Staff Suspended Without Pay for Violation of Green Values
- 04: Administrator Uses Fancy Engineering Lingo to Spearhead Campus Construction Debacle
- 03: Adjunct Launches AAAUPS on Tails of MLA
December 2011
- 24: Merry Cronkmas to All
- 19: Occupied Movement Reaches Campus Restrooms
- 15: New Software Boosts Student Marketability
- 14: Recreation of Infamous Bridge Collapse Exonerates Engineers
- 13: College Fires Custodians to Support New Mission
- 12: Math Profs Race to Win Prestigious Hooters Prize
- 09: The Faking
- 07: 67% of Male Population Stoked about Unseasonably Warm Weather
- 06: Jewish Staff Thrilled to Learn Christmas Trees are Secular Displays
- 05: With Budgets Tight, Football Coaches Eye English Departments
- 01: Emoticons Anonymous Comes to Campus
November 2011
- 30: University Library Enlists Collaborative Cheerleaders
- 29: PSU Scandal Inspires New Look at Campus Power Distribution
- 28: Following Victory, Solitary Fan Rushes Field
- 28: Cronk Cyber Monday! 40% discount!
- 21: PBS Turns to Ultimate Faculty Fighting to Boost Ratings
- 18: Vanessa Doesn’t Want To Go Home for Thanksgiving
- 17: Give Thanks for Humor with $20 Off Cronk Gear
- 16: College Suspends Instruction. President Devotes Full Resources to Rewriting Mission Statement
- 15: Professor Writes Passive-Aggressive FB Post about How Much She Hates Passive-Aggressiveness
- 11: Agronomy Lab Calls Flesh-Eating Plants “A Mistake”
- 10: New Penn State President 12% Better Looking Than Previous President
- 09: University Announces New Online Humor Major
- 07: Work Study Student Rudely Interrupted During Most Awesome YouTube Ever
October 2011
- 31: Halloween Lets Students Do Exact Same Thing — in Costumes!
- 27: Campus Feminists Fight to Ban “Ghoul” from Halloween Language. Prefer BanSHEe
- 26: Halloween Greatest Hits
- 24: University Takes Winning Stance on Drinking Games
- 20: College Initiates Process to Canonize Bullying Douchebag
- 18: University Changes Its Name to Symbolize Its Superiority in Diversity
- 17: Students Skip Class to Jump on Occupy Wallstreet Band Wagon
- 13: Office Scrambles to Find Perfect Birthday Card for Detested Secretary
- 12: Nobel Prize Committee Snubs Professor Huckman’s Bigfoot Research Again
- 10: Job Posting: Special Events Assistant
- 10: Job Posting: Staff Assistant
- 10: CronkNews Job Postings — For Real!
- 10: Job Posting: Publicity Assistant
- 10: Job Posting: Staff Writers
- 10: Job Posting: Undergraduate Beat Satirists
- 06: Alums Celebrate 20-Year-Old Carpet Stain Shaped Like Penis
- 04: Poetry: Because I could not Stop for Calc
- 04: Random Word Sequence Generator Helps New Administrators with Strategic Planning
- 03: College Over-Enrolls Faculty Egos
September 2011
- 29: Committee Debate Over Preposition Reaches Supreme Court
- 28: To Better Connect with Working Students President Creates New Position of Associate Joe Schmovost
- 27: Art Historians: Five-Year-Olds Really Paint Better than Picasso
- 26: Classmates Stunned as Unlikely Students Make 3.0 Start in Early Exam Season
- 22: Hannah Closes in on Answering 700th Question in a Row
- 21: Real World Focused Orientation Program Launches at Bigbad U.
- 20: Friend With Benefits Introduces Co-Pay
- 19: BreakDrink.com Lowers Standards to Invite Cronk Staff to Join Fall Kick-off Podcast
- 15: Grammar Professor Fired for Misuse of Quotes in Air
- 14: Writer Resource: How to Develop your Cronk Readership
- 13: Counseling Centers Deal with Influx of Post-Dramatic Stress Disorder
- 12: New Grades Bill Announced
- 08: University Earns Top Award for Mediocrity
- 07: Campus Installs Vending Machines to Conveniently Sell Justice
- 06: University Unveils Major in Unpopular Culture
August 2011
- 30: Freshman Worried About Being Late For First Class
- 29: New Resident Assistant out 6-8 Weeks After Intentional Interactions on Move-In Day
- 25: Move-in Bingo. Play along!
- 24: Undergraduate Research Assistant Finally Sharpens Perfect Pencil
- 23: Beloit College Faces Accusations that “Mindset List” Really the Drunken Ravings of Old Man
- 22: NCAA Opens Chapel Hill Branch Office and 17 New Investigations into UNC
- 19: Aspergers Students Hired to Help Coach Millennials in Empathy
- 17: Admissions Recruits Perfect College Freshman
- 14: Scholars and Fans Sought for More Fitting Satire Resource
- 11: RA Continues Training Camp Hold Out
- 09: Cronk Declares November “National Satire Month”
- 08: The Program Not Taken
- 05: Mediation Team Offers “Tradin’ Places” to Soothe Town-Gown Relations
- 03: Inclusiveness Retreat Brings Faculty and Student Affairs Staff Together
- 01: Humanities Grad Students Unionize, Demand Retirement Benefits
July 2011
- 26: Society Page: NASPA Sends ACPA on Honeymoon Alone, Leaves ACPA Stuck with Deposit
- 25: Student Sues Over Loss of Campus Snack Bar Job. Stands by Refusal to Make Concessions.
- 22: Student Takes Tenured Professor to Antiques Road Show
- 19: Massive Nursing Study Concludes: Patients Dislike Nighttime Incursions
- 15: Campus Scandal: Underling Caught Having Coffee with Big Wig
- 13: Eco-Friendly and Delicious; Local Company Invents Edible Conference Lanyard
- 11: Civility Nanny iPhone App Finally Released
- 11: Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community Colleges (Poetry!)
- 08: Chronically Late Staff Member Miraculously on Time to Accept Award
- 06: Dangerous Parent Pays $14,000 a Year Expecting University to Deliver Shitty Experience
June 2011
- 30: Staff Member Takes Just a Little Too Much Pride in Weight Watchers “Captain” Title
- 29: RHA Rep Faces Calls to Resign Over Multiple Twitter Photo Exchanges
- 28: Alumni Foundation Diversifies Portion of Portfolio into Powerball
- 27: Presentation Software Linked to Obesity Epidemic
- 22: Stephen Colbert Provides the Assist as Irma Pelt Counts Down to Book Launch
- 21: Part-Time Instructor Only Teaches Part of What He Knows
- 20: Summer Conference Director Suspended for Damning Youth Group to Hell
- 18: CronkNews Asks Readers to Join Its Book Promotion
- 18: CronkNews Press Conference – Today at Noon
- 17: CronkNews Staff Excited to Host Press Conference at Which Nothing Could Possibly Go Wrong
- 16: Students Protest Demolition of 82-Year-Old Maintenance Shed
- 15: Faculty Celebrates Graduation of Universally Reviled Student
- 14: Universities Spend Millions on Summer Improvements That Will Be Destroyed Within 2 Weeks of Classes Starting
- 13: New College Access Access Program Helps Students Access College Access
- 10: CronkNews Staff to Hold Live Press Conference to Introduce New Book
- 09: End-of-Year Banquet Enters Week 3
- 08: Roommates Accidentally Get Educational TV Programming, Call for More Safeguards
- 07: TA Union Files Complaint with Faculty Union about Grade Inflation; Faculty Give Report a B-
- 06: Staff Insulted that Reorganization Means They Will No Longer Report to Abusive Big Wig
- 03: Experts Predict the Next Wave of Four Loko-Inspired Products
- 02: Twitter To Add “Elitest” Verification for Higher Ed Big Deals
- 01: In New Partnership with NASA, Local College Announces Interplanetary Study Abroad Program
May 2011
- 31: Grover College Begins New Texting Major
- 29: French Not Really a Language, Say Experts
- 27: J1B1 Spring Fever Hits Campuses
- 26: Obituary for Cronknews Intern Erica Price
- 25: University Avoids Costly Consulting Fees by Bringing Candidates on Campus for Non-Existent Positions
- 24: Political Scientist Receives Grant from GOP to Create Perfect Candidate
- 23: Tragedy Strikes CronkNews Intern Erica Price
- 20: Congratulations, Graduating Cronk Intern Erica Price!
- 19: College Runs Out of Free Food
- 18: Jersey Shore Star “The Situation” to Major in Sociology, Change Name to “The Situated Context”
- 16: Graduation Ceremony Features Speaker You Haven’t Heard Of
- 13: College Revolutionizes Commuting with Drive-thru Service. Do You Want Grades with That?
- 12: College Changes Resource Allocation to focus on Attrition
- 11: Business Student Ready to Admit His Major is a Joke
- 10: Conferences Move to Eliminate Name Tag Flair in Favor of Member Ranking System
- 09: Enrollment VP Confident; College Budgets for Between 14 and 651 New Freshmen
- 06: RA Blackmail Plot Grinds Hall Closing to a Halt
- 05: Faculty Fired for Exposing P-ness
- 04: Nevada Eliminates Higher Education
- 03: SUNC Appoints Twelve Efficiency Czars to Streamline Bureaucracy
- 02: Cronk Book Club Wraps Up Tonight
April 2011
- 30: CronkNews Book Club Wraps Up Bossypants with Style
- 29: New Student Activities Center to Feature One Part-Time Student Office
- 28: Sociology of Sex Class Breathes New Life into Take Your Kids to Work Day
- 28: NASPA and ACPA Fail to Consolidate and Rest of Higher Education Doesn’t Notice
- 27: Administrative Assistant Contributes to University’s Wellness Goals by Cock Blocking Lunch Hours
- 26: Would You Drink the Kool Aid?
- 25: Faculty Votes No-Confidence in Senior Class
- 21: College Responds to Budget Cuts with Super Sized Corporate Sponsorship Plan
- 20: Dean Hosts Rankism Training for Junior Staff Underlings
- 19: Outburst from Student Committee Member Delays Annual Unimportant Discussions
- 18: Disability Services Sees Record Number of Phony New Conditions
- 15: NASPA/ACPA Rumored to Select Cake Flavor and Flower Girl This Week
- 14: Professor Tweets Complaining about Student Tweets Reaches All-Time High
- 13: Historic Staff Senate Vote Ends Raging Hamburger/Hot Dog Debate
- 12: Diversity Program Retired to Herald in the Modern Age of Diversity
- 11: Seismic Anomaly on Campus Attributed to Collective Sphincter Clench at Faculty Senate Meeting
- 08: Placement Volunteers Get Project Runway Makeover
- 07: Starbucks Guy Offered Every Single Position at Recent Placement Conferences
- 06: BCS Points to No-Name March Madness Tournament as Evidence for Retaining Current System
- 05: New Ideas Floated for 2012 Higher Ed Conference Season
- 04: Geeky Prospective Student Devastated by Bryn Mawr April Fool’s Hoax
- 01: No April Foolin’! The CronkNews Gang Goes Live on Video Tonight
March 2011
- 31: Writers Center Construction Stalled as Apostrophe Debate Can’t Be Resolved
- 30: British Royal Family Requests Moratorium on Competing ACPA/NASPA Wedding Updates
- 29: 7 Critical Conference Competencies for New Professionals
- 29: Meet the CronkNews Gang in Baltimore Today!
- 28: New Professional Fired for Inappropriate Conference Behavior
- 27: Colleges Close Career Centers Citing Redundancy in Era of Personal Branding
- 26: Meet the CronkNews Gang in Baltimore This Tuesday
- 25: After Poor Tournament Performance Head of Social Science Department is Out
- 24: Faculty Eulogizes Wellness-Obsessed Colleague
- 23: Student Justice Takes Extreme Measures to Enforce Code of Honor
- 22: Archaeologists Discover History’s Stupidest Civilization
- 21: 2011 NASPA/TPE Puh-leese Blotter
- 18: Appearance No Longer a Consideration in Orientation Leader Hiring Process
- 18: Wondering what to wear at ACPA? 20-25% Off All CronkNews Gear!
- 17: Appeals of Rejected Creative Art Majors on the Rise
- 16: Focus Groups Reinforce Student Perception that Job Experience Hurts Ability to Get Jobs
- 15: University Administrator Hospitalized with BTY Syndrome; Wider Outbreak Expected
- 14: NASPA Hires Nancy Grace to Draft Prenup for ACPA Merger
- 11: NASPA Replaces Keynote Speakers to Appeal to Hipper Demographic
- 10: Anti-TPE Protestors Say “Aspire to Stay. It’s Okay!”
- 09: Placement Exchange Forced to Institute Strict New Giveaway Policy
- 08: Match.com and eHarmony to Observe Conference Placement
- 07: Renowned UCLA Genomics Expert Confirms Charlie Sheen’s Claims
- 04: Hey, TPE-ers, Tell Us Your Placement Stories!
- 03: University Performs Fastest Soulectomy on Record
- 02: Graduate Assistant to Forego Second Year of Assistantship; Declares Self Eligible for Upcoming Hall Director Draft
- 01: First-Ever All Men Synchronized Swimming Team Brings Title IX to Millennials
February 2011
- 28: ACUI Exclusive: Student Union Opens without Bathrooms. Couldn’t Be Justified with Learning Outcomes
- 24: “For Profit” Label Not Accurate Argues Entrepreneurial National University
- 23: College Toys With American Girl Theme Housing
- 22: Texting: The Hottest New Method for Speaking Up in Class
- 21: Student Activities Conference Wins Over Most Bitter Faculty Haters
- 17: Few Answers in Tallahassee as Younger Bowden Makes Surprise Return to FL State
- 16: University Eliminates Math Requirements: Lifetime Outsourcing Offered
- 15: Mubarak Hired to Manage Flip-Flopping IU Chik-fil-A Outlet
- 14: Valentine Special: The Perfect UC Berkley Wedding Gift. Tuition.
- 10: College Hires in-House Therapist to Treat Shrug-Induced Arthritis
- 09: Student Expelled For Offensive D-Word Usage
- 08: Office Searching for New Person Everyone Hates
- 07: Humans Versus Zombies Game Explodes Into Egyptian Riots
- 04: Academic Advising Measures Success by the Ream
- 03: Dedicated Facilities Staff Stick to Auditorium Renovation Deadline Despite Pressure to Allow Graduation Ceremony
- 02: Greg Uses His Pre-Law Skills at Conduct Hearing
- 01: College Presidents Kick Off Black History Month with Inspiring “Some of My Best Friends Are Black” Speeches
January 2011
- 31: Faculty Institutes NHL-Inspired Promotion Process
- 28: Governor Introduces the “Adjunctivan” as Green Budget-Cutting Measure
- 27: Campus Hosts Board of Trustees Bobblehead Day
- 26: President Renowned as Change Agent Changes Agents
- 25: Food Stylist is Fabulous New Budget Management Solution for Dining Services
- 24: Nothing Funny About Spring Semester, CronkNews Freelancer Reports
- 21: Live-on Staff Fight for Snow Day Compensation
- 20: Progressive College Eliminates All Corporations from Campus
- 19: Independent College Eyes Four Loko as Key to Curtailing Budget Woes
- 18: Campus Adds “Ring By Spring” Requirement for Class of 2015
- 17: Higher Ed Horoscopes: Insights into Your New Sign
- 14: Notre Dame Reaches Out to Fictional Characters for Investigation Assistance
- 13: Campus Student Affairs Unit Submits New Year’s Resolutions
- 12: Conferences Announce Creation of Commencement Championship Series
- 11: Faculty in Uproar Over Connotations of “Development Day”
- 10: Controversial “Don’t Prance, Don’t Frolic” Student Policy Repealed at Theatrical Music Dramatis Academy
- 06: Search Firm Hired to Find Search Firm
- 05: Shocking Family Vacation Revelation: Everyone Already Knew Stefania Was Gay
- 04: Ohio State Fires 5 GAs Effective Next Year
- 03: Campus Celebrates Professor Merriman’s Annual Pilgrimage to Gym
December 2010
- 24: A Special Cronkmas Greeting
- 23: Association of Retired Student Educators Publicly Denounces WikiLynxx
- 22: Me Love You Long Dime: Money Saving Tips for Colleges in this Struggling Economy
- 21: Staff Member Insulted by Recent Promotion to “Custodian”
- 20: Special Guest Video Submission: “Conduct Meeting”
- 17: Hills University Opens Blackberry Campus
- 16: WikiLynxx Surfaces as a Threat to Higher Education
- 16: SGA President Scrambles to Smooth Tensions with RHA, IFC Leaders After WikiLeaks Release
- 15: Sorority Girl Ruins Quidditch for Everyone
- 13: Gay Santas Trump Holiday Sensitivity Memo
- 08: College Rewinds Technology Plan
- 07: University Achieves Coveted Tier One Status Via Innovative Use of Casino Card
- 06: Counseling Centers Overwhelmed; Cite Residence Life Staff Overshooting
- 02: College Food Tastes Homemade, Student Complains
- 01: Rebellious and Non-conformist Residence Hall Facility Declares Itself a “Dorm”
November 2010
- 30: Campus Takes Aggressive Steps to Improve Adjunct Recognition
- 29: TSA Implements Full-Body Scans on College Shuttles
- 23: International Student Just Had to Go and Ruin Everything at Thanksgiving
- 22: Higher Ed Horoscopes
- 19: Humans and the Hulk: Not So Different, Four Loko Finds
- 18: Job Posting: Completely Directionless Career Counselor
- 17: Millennial Professor Quits Citing Conflict with Hair Appointment
- 16: Taking Cue from Airlines, Student Affairs Organizations Start Charging Fees for Attendees of Size
- 15: University Hires The Parent Whisperer
- 12: Campus Showdown Between Bedbugs and Stink Bugs: Students Caught in the Crossfire
- 11: Campus Holds ‘Choose Your Own Issue’ Candle Light Vigil
- 10: Student Found Assessed to Death in Campus Bathroom Stall
- 09: New Standard in Residence Hall Ammenities: Private Everything
- 08: Career Specialists Split on Benefits of “Helicopter Agents”
- 04: Students Go Gaga over new Living/Learning Community
- 03: National Program for Recognizing Programs Awards Individual with Prestigious Award
- 02: Nation Panics as Student-Induced Lawyer Drought Hits Epidemic Levels
- 01: Clery Act Celebrates Its 20th Year of Saving Zero Lives
October 2010
- 29: Judicial Affairs Officer Saddened Over Boring End of Halloween Mayhem
- 28: 2010′s List of Most Culturally Insensitive Halloween Costumes Released
- 27: Goth Chick Is Super Duper Psyched for Halloween
- 26: College Cracks Down on Overused Punctuation
- 25: A Cappella Group Members Drop Out En Masse to Pursue Inevitable Stardom
- 22: Higher Ed Horoscopes
- 21: Campus Reels as Freshman Discovers She Is Not Best Friends with Roommate
- 20: Hoarders Ruins Doctoral Student’s Life
- 19: Millennial Student Involved in Accidental Apology
- 18: Podcast Tonight
- 18: Fashion College Changes School Colors…Again
- 15: Breaking News: Freshman Gets C on First Chemistry Exam
- 14: Scientists Unravel the Optical Illusion of Average-Girl-Hotties on Tech Campuses
- 13: Using Technology to Return Faculty to the Center of the Universe
- 12: Sappy Cards Equal Cash for Heart-Driven College
- 11: October Podcast: Best Practices in Fall Conferencing
- 11: Townies Make Preemptive Strike On College
- 08: Exclusive: World Waits as Freshman Worries About First Exam
- 07: VMAs Herald Awkward Return of #SACHAT and CronkNews Staffs
- 06: Hamburger University on Harkin’s Hotplate
- 05: No More Forms: Housing Administration to Fall Squarely on Students’ Shoulders
- 04: Ex-Dean Claims Forcing Students To Do Personal Work Was Celebration of “National Careers in Student Affairs Month”
- 01: Pedophilia Concerns On Campus Linked to Conference “Stress Free Zones”
September 2010
- 30: SAT and ACT Execs Brace for Popular New Competitor in Testing Market
- 29: NRC Survey Results Provoke Ire in Higher Ed
- 28: Full Search Ahead: No More Interims for Elenchus U
- 27: Creepy JoePa Statue Charged with Three Accounts of Alleged Stalking
- 24: Student Super-Leader Erroneously Charged with Public Indecency
- 23: Spa University: A College Finally Listens to Student Satisfaction Benchmarks
- 22: Housing Director Charged with Building New Hall on the Backs of Naughty Students
- 21: Librarians Reinstate Book Burning After Lauren Conrad Announces Release of Third Novel
- 20: University Clarifies Hierarchical Classification System for Staff
- 17: Mixed Feelings as Golf Management Program Boasts Enrollment Spike
- 16: College Unit Seeks Help from Merriam-Webster to Define Mission
- 15: For Cost of Lunch Money, Tenured Professor Offers Protection to Administrators
- 14: University Mistakes Riot for Flash Mob
- 13: South Carolina Football Secedes from NCAA
- 06: College Bans Rugby, Citing Homoerotic Content
- 03: Results from Global Tour Guide Study: Every Campus Is Exactly the Same
- 02: University Staffer Sets Standard for Remarkable Collection
- 01: GA Forgets Salad Bar, Ruins Diversity Retreat
August 2010
- 31: Foundation Director Ousted After Series of Financially Irresponsible Good Intentions
- 30: Students Confused by Abstract Orientation
- 27: University Reveals Roommate Matching was Whimsical Social Experiment
- 26: An End to Student “Affairs” at Robertus Magnus Magnificus
- 25: Arizona Central University Proposes Deportation Sanction for Academic Misconduct
- 24: Privileged White Collegians Respond to Dr. Laura Scandal
- 23: CronkNews Documentary Film: “Move-In Day”
- 20: In Wake of BP Spill Benjamin Phillips University Decides to Rebrand
- 19: Interns Scramble to Justify Summer Bitchwork as Academic
- 18: Jesus Disappointed in Freshman Orientation
- 17: Curbside Alert: Gently Used Staff Training Binders
- 16: Orientation Program Boasts New Extreme-Honesty Service Model
- 13: Well-Meaning Administrator Joins MySpace Hoping to Connect With Students
- 12: On Sale Now: Impenetrable NSSE Safes
- 11: Librarians Abandon Dewey Decimal System in Favor of Netflix Categories
- 10: Institute of Silence to Offer Degrees
- 09: College Expands Enrollment Options, Finds New Way to Involve Parents
- 07: Epic Poetry Heralds National Move-In Month
- 06: Student Regent of Privilege Launches Hostile Takeover
- 05: Speechless Lecture Is Newest Addition to Sustainability Program
- 04: New President Releases University’s Most Diverse Diversity Statement
- 03: UNC Seeks to Rebrand Itself after Basketball Poop Storm
- 02: CronkNews Podcast Debuts Tonight
- 02: Target Management Faces Conduct Charges after End Cap Display Promotes Drinking
July 2010
- 30: Longtime Football Coach Startled to Learn Caps Lock Could Be Turned Off
- 29: Johns Hopkins MBA Program Boasts the Highest Quality Cutting Edge Clichés
- 28: Mean College Fires Mommy
- 27: Staff Appreciation Day is Fun for All…All of the Planning Committee
- 26: Math Department Ordered to Eliminate Homework “Problems”
- 24: CronkNews Announces its First Podcast
- 23: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-07-23
- 23: Restorative Justice: Putting an End to Retention-Unfriendly Suspensions and Expulsions
- 22: University Applies for Execution Permits as Preventive Conduct Measure
- 21: Study Confirms That University Is Better Without Students
- 20: Student Activities Alum Brings Festivities Expertise to Termination Process
- 19: Higher Ed Grad Program Offers Summer Mini-Course in Appropriate Department Naming
- 16: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-07-16
- 16: University Promotes Drinking as the New “It” Thing
- 15: Online Nerd-on-Nerd Bullying Increasingly Hostile
- 14: Creepy Jim Earns Medal for Attending His 50th Campus Harassment Workshop
- 13: Students Shocked to Discover Departmental Secretary Not Qualified to Provide Academic Assistance
- 12: Tie Breaking Tenure decision is Hot-Hot-Hot!
- 10: College Students React to News of Lindsay Lohan’s Impending Incarceration
- 09: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-07-09
- 09: Case Closed: Judge Judy To Serve as Judicial Affairs Director
- 08: World Holds Its Breath as Higher Ed Candidate Prepares to Announce Job Acceptance
- 07: “Write a Letter to Yourself” Activity Turns into Tweet Yourself
- 06: Adjunct Adoption Agency Needs Your Help
- 05: Author Q&A: Author of Indecision
- 02: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-07-02
- 02: University Takes Realistic Stance on Academic Calendar Transition
- 01: Philadelphia University Business School Dedicates Monument to New Big-Picture Educational Philosophy
- 01: Supreme Court Rules Collegiate Nondiscrimination Policies Unconstitutional
June 2010
- 30: Campus Staff Association’s Decision Power Increased to Include Pastry and Coffee Selection
- 30: ACUHO-I Conference Romance Ends Abruptly: NASPA/ACPA Differences Cited
- 29: Computer Scientists Discover Way to Use Facebook to Test for True Love
- 29: Eager Graduate Student Misunderstands Concept of Personal Branding
- 28: Home Dorming Makes Students Feel at Home, Again
- 25: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-06-25
- 25: Faculty Member Denied Tenure: Too Popular, Research Too Accessible
- 24: Furloughs, Interns Poke Holes in Student Affairs’ Feelings of Indispensability
- 23: College Creates Jobs for Elite Students Too Good to Work in Cafeteria
- 22: College Defends Physical Attractiveness as Admission Criteria
- 21: Doctoral Candidate Receives Honorary Degree for Beating Tetris
- 18: Whistleblower Learns His Lesson about Being a Rat
- 17: Pre-Orientation Fecal Samples Provide Multiple Benefits to College and Students
- 16: Gen-X Mom Leaves Son’s Graduation in Blaze of Glory
- 15: Professor Declares War on Font
- 14: More Tenure-Track Faculty Forced to Perish
- 11: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-06-11
- 11: New Leader Brings “Let’s Please Everyone” Philosophy to Campus Web Site
- 10: Students Finally Realize Dean Jenkins Is an Asshole
- 09: College Bans Employee Dissatisfaction
- 08: Ivy University Creates Terminal Degree in Douchebaggery
- 07: Class Action Suit Filed When College Life Doesn’t Meet Expectation Set at Orientation
- 04: In Cost-Saving Measure, Assistant Profs Promoted Directly to Emeritus
- 03: NARH-I Revokes Resident Director Membership for Vulgar Tattoo
- 02: Myers Briggs Support Groups Formed on Campus
- 01: College Offers Free Pony Rides to Draw Prospective Students
May 2010
- 28: Mounting Evidence Indicates Student Affairs Icon Vernon Wall and RuPaul Are Same Person
- 27: Long-Awaited American Institute of Soup Sciences to Open Soon
- 26: Eco-Conscious Professor Eschews Book Buying Paradigm
- 25: College Finds Secret to High Enrollment through Low Standards
- 24: Campus Book List: What College Students Who Still Read Are Reading This Week
- 21: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-05-21
- 21: Bipolar College Student Misdiagnosed as Art Major
- 20: Creationism-Curriculum Advocate Says He Was Just Putting Us On
- 19: As Faculty Finally Embrace Twitter, Students Drop the Service
- 18: “Top Five” Really Means the Bottom at Idol-Inspired Devlin U.
- 17: College Art Exhibit Celebrates 30 Years of Boredom in Academia
- 14: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-05-14
- 14: Popular Administrator Ousted by Entry-Level Candidate in Foursquare Coup
- 13: Puffy Pen Glut Spurs Six Sigma Practices
- 12: University Responds to Cry for More Parking by Destroying Academic Buildings
- 11: Producers of Admissions Brochures Win Multicultural Peace Prize
- 10: Campus Book List: What College Students Who Still Read Are Reading This Week
- 07: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-05-07
- 07: Administrative Meeting Championed as Triumph of Efficiency
- 07: Professor Eaten by Student’s Enormous Ego
- 06: Faculty Express Shock and Bewilderment When Candidate Rejects Job Offer
- 05: University Cuts Mental Health Benefits; Replaces with Committees
- 04: International Food Fest Recognized for Inspiring Cultural Competence
- 03: Arizona Legislation Ruins Cinco de Mayo Parties
April 2010
- 30: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-04-30
- 30: Mime Upsets Students: Staff Member Held Responsible
- 29: College Partners with Banana Republic to Enforce New Dress Code
- 28: Citing Loss of Status, H1N1 Planners Gear Up for New Non-Catastrophes
- 27: Dubious CronkNews Intern Application Leaked
- 27: Save the Conference Date: Alcohol & Addictions Association Assembly
- 26: Students Blame Innovative Incentive Program for Tricking Them into Learning
- 23: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-04-23
- 23: Nobel Prize Winner Thanks Bulletin Board Sanction for Changing His Life
- 22: New First Year Experience Class: How To Not Be An Asshole
- 21: Secretary’s Day Gives Administrators Awesome Opportunity to Give Flowers to the People They Marginalize
- 20: CronkNews Editor Leah Wescott Offers Free Presentations to Lucky Schools. Sign Up Now!
- 20: Distraught Mourners Eulogize Campus Windbag
- 19: Millennial Sheetcakes Bankrupt Recognition Banquet
- 17: Hire Us
- 16: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-04-16
- 16: Panel Ends 75 Year Culturally Questionable Senior Luau Tradition
- 15: IRB Halts Study On Improving Name Game Effectiveness Through Electric Shock
- 14: CronkNews Seeks Summer Intern. Apply Now.
- 14: Despite Huge Financial Losses, Student Fundraiser Surpasses All Expectations
- 13: Still Awaiting Response from 2001 Search Process, Candidate Demands Answers
- 12: Profs Experiment with Variations of “You\’ll Never Get a Job” Engagement Technique
- 11: In the News
- 09: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-04-09
- 09: Faculty Development Seminar Promotes More Heartfelt Ways to Feign Sincerity
- 08: Futuristic Campus Dining Experience to Include Something Called a “Salad Bar”
- 07: Impossible-to-Follow Standards Lead to Budget Surplus for Finance-Savvy College
- 06: Consultant Woos Student Life Staff with Big Words
- 05: NCAA Predicted to Adopt Entitle IX So Every Player Can Start
- 02: Custodian Fired for Poop Clean-Up Incivility
- 01: Irma Pelt Reveals Herself
March 2010
- 31: After 26 Years, Buddhism Professor Finally Turns Jaded
- 30: University Bans Relevant Search Committees
- 29: Forward-Thinking College Admits New Students Via Evite
- 26: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-03-26
- 26: Online Colleges Kick Off Recruitment for Inaugural Football Season
- 25: Higher Ed Guru Peter Magolda Creates Hollywood Hair Sensation
- 24: College Fair Draws 3000 Parents, No Prospective Students
- 23: Unsurprising Results in Student Affairs “Most Important Issues in Higher Ed” Survey
- 22: ACPA Members Prove Woefully Inept at Understanding the Shout Out
- 21: Students Selfishly Support NASPA/ACPA Unification
- 21: Security Breach at ACPA Conference: Republican Spotted
- 20: ACPA Employer Accidentally Reveals E-Portfolios Are an Annoyance Test
- 19: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-03-19
- 19: Spring Break Draws to End. Weary Middle-Class Parents Rejoice
- 18: Mexico Prepares for Influx of College Students Who Hate Each Other
- 17: March Madness Entitlement Protest
- 16: College Alters Structure to Eliminate Student Interference
- 15: The Placement Exchange Adopts Greek Recruitment Policies
- 12: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-03-12
- 12: Tufts Inadvertently Builds Ideal Spot for Sex-Displaced Roommates
- 12: 4140 in 414 Days: Groveling to Bring Higher Ed Humor to the Masses
- 11: University Rejects Gay Student Organization to Promote Inclusivity
- 10: Faculty Senate Dinner Theater
- 09: Conference Hotel Employees Shocked at ACPA/NASPA Merger Halt
- 09: Job Posting: Emotionally Fragile Campus Counselor
- 08: NASPA 2010 Update: Oprah Pissed at Conference Coup
- 08: Awkward Moment at Placement Exchange as 70 Candidates Wear Same Suit
- 05: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-03-05
- 05: Beloved Professor Dies of Pizza Overdose
- 04: University Faces Lawsuit After Failed Attempt at Innovation in Search Process
- 03: Job Post: Professor of Life Lessons. Criminal Record or Sex Scandal Required
- 02: Student Activists Wage Haiti v. Chile Throwdown
- 01: Shocking New Study Finds Cookie Cake Ineffective at Improving Staff Morale
February 2010
- 26: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-02-26
- 26: FERPA Enforcement Reaches New Extreme
- 25: Students Uninterested in Using Crosswalks. Bored Administrators React
- 24: New Tool Helps Administrators Get Personality
- 23: Orientation Staffs Devastated by Global Glitter Shortage
- 22: Coeds Sue When College Doesn\’t Activate Dorm Webcams
- 21: Tune in Wednesday for CronkNews Editor’s Podcast Debut
- 19: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-02-19
- 19: Student Finally Gets What Professor Was Talking About All Those Years Ago
- 18: Pissing Contest of the Week: Who Works Harder? College Professionals With Kids or Without?
- 17: Student Socialist Caught Wearing Deodorant
- 16: Students Spend a Little Too Much Time Wondering if Professor Starkey is Gay
- 15: Dean Who Won Twittering Award Inexplicably Fired
- 12: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-02-12
- 12: Lane Kiffin’s 5 Tips for a Fantastic Valentine’s Day
- 11: Harvard Entrepreneur Pushes New Trend with Community College Fashion
- 10: To Compensate for Marginalization, Campus Employees Receive Job Title Bonuses
- 09: Job Posting: Consultant Needed to Fire Margaret
- 08: Yale on Cutting Edge of Hiring Developmentally Challenged
- 08: Submissions Sought for Special CronkNews Conference Edition
- 07: Publishing Guidelines
- 05: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-02-05
- 05: Congratulations! Coed Pamela Roggins Sets New Record for Writing “Facebook Is Boring” on Facebook
- 04: Meeting Minutes from Campus Collaboration Committee
- 03: Colleges Fear Repercussions of Not Granting Tenure to Jerk
- 02: Intellectuals Seek Opportunities to Teach Chris Matthews to Think about Race Every Minute
January 2010
- 29: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-01-29
- 29: To Combat Morale Problems, University Institutes Mandatory “Smile Fridays”
- 28: Non-Drinker Caught Using Sacred “I Was Drunk” Excuse
- 27: College Newspapers Self-Report High Levels of Cleverness
- 26: Undergraduate Folk Musician Mistakes Getting Laid for Having Talent
- 25: Slacktivism is the New Apathy
- 22: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-01-22
- 22: University Fires Director of Creative Studies for “Giving Students Ideas”
- 21: University Promises High Rankings and Equal Opportunity through $100,000 Tuition Pricetag
- 20: Universities Slash Budgets, Enforce Creepy Imagination Strategy
- 19: College Institutes No-Pants/No-Underpants Safety Rule
- 18: Student Successfully Pulls a Tiger Woods at Conduct Hearing
- 15: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-01-15
- 15: Fraternities Still Convinced Dressing Up Once a Week Will Change Stereotypes
- 14: Hot New College Fashion Trend: Backpacks on One Shoulder
- 13: Higher Ed Admins Edge Closer to Defining for Families What the Heck They Do
- 12: College Celebrates New Policy on Policies with Policy Fair
- 11: University Improves US Student Performance through Entitlement-Based Grading
- 08: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-01-08
- 08: Students Still Blame Cafeteria for Red Bull Diarrhea
- 07: RA Attempts Citizen’s Arrest at Local Starbucks
- 06: Trustees Hold Emergency Meeting to Decide Whether to Name Building for Dirty-Name Donor
- 05: Theater Student Voted Out of Arts Dorm for Not Bringing Enough Drama
- 04: #1 Best of Decade: Colleges Create New and Exciting Ways to Make Dorm Sex as Uncomfortable as Possible
- 04: #2 Best of Decade: UCLA Undies Runners Just Want to Be Treated Like Adults
- 03: #3 Best of Decade: University Implements Beauty Requirement for Graduating Seniors
- 02: #4 Best of Decade: University Offers New Major in Literal Arts
- 02: #5 Best of Decade: University Rejects Plan to Do Right Thing. “Not Measurable,” Says VP
- 01: #6 Best of Decade: H1N1 Flu Scare Second Only to Twitter Competency Requirements in Recent Faculty Poll
December 2009
- 31: #7 Best of Decade: In Bold Move, College Replaces Tenure with Get-Out-of-Jail-Free Cards
- 30: #8 Best of Decade: College Radio DJ Reprimanded for Selling Out
- 29: #9 Best of Decade: Faculty Annoyed by Brilliant Student Until He Becomes Famous
- 28: #10 Best of Decade: 34% of College Administrators Use MBTI Personality Types to Shirk Responsibilities
- 27: #11 Best of Decade: Food Allergies Considered for Learning Disability Status
- 26: #12 Best of Decade: NCAA Experiments with Millennial-Friendly Win-Win Policy
- 25: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-12-25
- 25: #13 Best of Decade: Staff Member Marries the Rules in Campus Chapel
- 24: #14 Best of Decade: Orientation Programs Overtake God in Perceived Ability to Fix Everything in the World
- 23: #15 Best of Decade: Nat’l Coming Out Day Considers Including Closeted Michael Jackson Fans
- 22: #16 Best of Decade: Universities Sanctioned for Replacing Racist Masots w/ Stupid Alternatives
- 20: 2009 Admissions Retrospective: Most Requested Non-Existing College Majors
- 18: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-12-18
- 18: Mark Your Calendars: 2010 Higher Ed Social Networking Conference
- 17: Student Sues University: “Wasn’t Told Learning Was Required.”
- 16: Residence Life Breaks Age-Old Cliché, Selects Non-Olympics Training Theme
- 15: Axed ND Coach Turns Losing into Lo-Fat Lemon Cheesecake
- 14: Clemson and LSU Tigers React to Unexpected Spike in Web Searches
- 11: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-12-11
- 11: College Gamers Reject Best Chance at Scoring with Real Woman
- 10: Naive Administrators Toil Over Budget Requests that Will Never Be Considered
- 09: University Implements Beauty Requirement for Graduating Seniors
- 08: Job Posting: Multiple Openings for Nicest Boss in the World
- 07: Professor Has Awkward Encounter with Student in Virtual Adult Novelty Shop
- 04: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-12-04
- 04: D-III Athlete Forgets He Really Isn\’t a Big Deal
- 03: H1N1 Closures Down While Chronic Whining Hits Record Highs
- 02: Student Activists Outraged at Stalled Health Care Debate; Interferes with Important Celebrity News
- 01: Following Porn Controversy, University of Maryland Seeks Shock Advice from Adam Lambert
November 2009
- 30: Astrophysicists Fail to Explain How Sun Continues to Rise after Northeastern Dumps Football Program
- 30: Reminder Memo about Holiday Sensitivity
- 27: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-11-27
- 27: Op-Ed: Did CA Raise Tuition to Divert Attention from Some Unpopular Decision?
- 25: In Bold Move, College Replaces Tenure with Get-Out-of-Jail-Free Cards
- 24: New iPhone Apps for Student-Weary Tenured Professors: Homework Humiliator
- 23: Nerds Wearing Ill-Fitting Interview Suits Spur On-Going Nature/Nurture Debate
- 22: CronkNews Concedes Defeat in Twitter Competition with Ashton Kutcher
- 20: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-11-20
- 18: Replacement for Fired Director Miraculously Improves Department with Double the Staff and Budget
- 17: New iPhone Apps for Student-Weary Tenured Professors: “Student Coming” Alert
- 16: Job Posting: Whack-Job Spouse
- 13: #highered Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-11-13
- 13: Nerd Fears Fraternity Just Using Him for His Brains
- 12: Relief at Miami University. Student Not Dead — Just Doesn\’t Own Cell Phone.
- 11: Barney Fife Trapped Inside Body of RA
- 10: University Updates Respect Credo with Shocking Honesty
- 09: Six Weeks Later, Campus DJ Still Waiting for Caller Number Four
- 07: Tweet Us Your Job Search Stories!
- 06: Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-11-06
- 06: New iPhone Apps for Student-Weary Tenured Professors: Paper Grading Postponer
- 05: Student Services Department Does Everything It Can Think of Short of Change to Improve Student Satisfaction
- 04: Job Posting: Multitasking Bike Cop
- 03: Job Posting: Token Search Committee Member
- 02: University Passes First-Ever Honor Code of Silence
October 2009
- 31: College Halloween Countdown: Cliché #1 Cross Dressing
- 31: College Halloween Cliché Countdown: #2 Not Wearing a Costume as a Costume
- 30: Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-10-30
- 30: Halloween Special: Supervisor’s Office Haunted by Ghost Sending Unpopular After-Hours Emails
- 28: College Halloween Cliché Countdown: #3 Professor Loralei in Her Weird Leprechaun Costume
- 27: College Halloween Cliché Countdown: #4 Strippers, Streakers and Exhibitionists
- 26: College Halloween Cliché Countdown: #5 Trick or Treating
- 26: College Halloween Cliché Countdown: #6 Too-Smart Obscure Costume References
- 23: Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-10-23
- 23: Old Guard Physics Profs Request Secession
- 22: Campus Police Chief Wins NAAPC Presidential Tolerance Award
- 21: New iPhone Apps for Student-Weary Tenured Professors: Calendar Protector
- 20: Job Posting: Robot Professor
- 19: Fashion Advice to Help Morehouse VP Adapt to Anti-Gay Dress Code
- 16: Administrators High-Five Each Other for Having Facebooks
- 15: Professor Dunkleman Trying a Little Too Hard to Be Cool
- 13: Student Governments Gear Up for Another Awesome Year of Standing Up to the Administration with Tough Demands for Better Cafeteria Food
- 12: College Football Coach Moonlights at Home Depot to Cover Living Expenses
- 09: Changes to National Coming Out Day Tradition Exciting for Entire Campus Community …Except Lesbians
- 08: No Rich Kid Left Behind Consortium
- 07: Wanted: Obese Wellness Instructors
- 06: Wanted: Skinny Neurotic Wellness Instructors
- 05: Inspired by Tufts New Sex Rule, Colleges Add More Overprotective Policies
- 03: Update on CronkNews v. Kutcher Twitter Competition
- 01: Deans Dress as Doofuses in Misguided Attempt to Earn US News Attention
September 2009
- 30: Colleges Create New and Exciting Ways to Make Dorm Sex as Uncomfortable as Possible
- 29: Job Posting: Assistant Dean of Student Services. Internal Candidates Encouraged. Really Encouraged.
- 28: Admissions Office Recruits First-Ever Perfect Freshman Class
- 25: Individual Appointed to Oversee Systemic Change
- 24: Department Doubles Number of Meetings. Can’t Figure Out Why Communication Is Still Poor
- 23: Parents Face Harsh Disappointment Realizing They Don’t Really Have 500 Friends
- 22: University Offers New Major in Literal Arts
- 21: Campus Reminder: Pity Party for Former VP This Friday
- 19: Latest Stats in CronkNews v. Kutcher Twitter Showdown
- 18: Friday Fun Poll: Which Celeb Would You Least Want at Your College?
- 17: CronkNews\’s Wescott Challenges Ashton Kutcher to Twitter Throwdown
- 17: University Rejects Innovative Plan to Do the Right Thing. “Not Measurable,” Says VP.
- 16: NYC Rejoices at Advent of Another Meaningless NCAA Bowl Game
- 15: College Student Fails in Attempt to Set World of Warcraft Record, but Inadvertently Wins Greasiest Hair Award
- 14: Harry Potter Actress Joins Elite Ivy League Orientation Activities
- 11: New iPhone App for Student-Weary Tenured Professors: Office Hour Randomizer
- 10: College Employers Seek Treatment for Grandeur Withdrawal as Recruitment Season Ends
- 09: CronkNews Swag
- 09: National Losers Club Celebrates New Sleep Study
- 08: That Mean Girl from High School Shows Up in Joey’s English 101 Seminar
- 07: Professor a Little Too Emo for Her Own Good
- 04: College Graduates Blame Economy for Consequences of Skankiness
- 03: Sophomore Ennui on the Rise: College Counselors Blame FML
- 02: Job Posting: Available Immediately: Agent of Change for the Sake of Change
- 01: Students Still Think Creepy Professor Thompson Is Cool
August 2009
- 31: Greg Inexplicably Embarrassed by His Cool Mom at College Orientation
- 28: Friday Fun Office Pool: When Will the First College Prez Get Caught Plagiarizing This Year?
- 26: College Radio DJ Reprimanded for Selling Out
- 25: Committee Writes Best Report in the World
- 24: Indiana University Introduces New H2Onor Code for Bobby Knight Induction
- 21: NY Times Sets Cutting-Edge Standard with Ballsy Tour Guide Story
- 20: H1N1 Flu Scare Second Only to Twitter Competency Requirements in Recent Faculty Poll
- 19: Southeastern Athletics Conference Considers Banning Trips to the Fridge During Televised Games
- 18: Tenn Schools Loosen Rules on LGBT. Now More Time to Focus on Real Issues – Like Cupcakes.
- 17: College Administrator Calls Campus Police to Report Scary Twitter
- 14: This Week’s Friday Fun Poll: Which non-issue is your students’ top issue?
- 12: Rick Pitino Uses Pimp Hairdo to Deflect Attention from Sex Scandal
- 12: Topless Spring Break Coeds Receive Diplomatic Medals of Honor
- 11: Immediate Opening: Associate Vice Dean of Special Learning Excellence and Programmatic Efforts to Enhance Retention and Campus Community Multicultural Communications
- 10: Faculty Annoyed by Brilliant Student Until He Becomes Famous
- 07: Math and Physics Professors Collaborate to Explore FERPA Loophole Theorem
- 06: Feminists Demand Apology: Activist Too Pretty
- 05: Career Advice for Lawsuit-Happy Trina Thompson
- 04: UCLA Undies Runners Just Want to Be Treated Like Adults
- 03: 34% of College Administrators Use MBTI Personality Types to Shirk Responsibilities
July 2009
- 31: Food Allergies Submitted for Recognition as Official Learning Disability
- 31: No One At Cal Tech Will Score a Date This Weekend
- 30: Scientists No Closer to Perfecting Committee Idea-Vacuum Technology
- 29: Courts Support University’s “It’s Not Official Unless It’s on Facebook” Stance
- 29: Exposé: Cool College Kids Revealed to Have Been High School Nerds
- 28: Penn State Voted Top Puke School!
- 28: Science Major Burned in Lab Accident. Professors Blame Her Poor Fashion Sense.
- 27: Colleges Seek Accreditation for Sloppy Joe Eating Internship
- 27: University Breaks Ground on State of the Art Benchmark
- 24: Available Immediately: Professional Professional Development Specialist
- 24: Superficial College Student Reflections Punctuate Cronkite Memorial
- 23: Crummy Professors Self-Glorify After Gladwell Speech
- 23: Rural College Evacuates after Dumb-Ass Terrorism Threat
- 22: Exclusive Interview with the Weird Guy at the End of the Hall
- 22: Idiots Hold Candlelight Vigils for Harvard’s Endowment
- 21: Rich Kids Forced to Go to Ivy League Safety Schools after Illinois Scandal
- 21: Two Honest MBA Students Allegedly Seen Having Lunch Together
- 20: University Charged with Human Trafficking after Hocking Football Team
- 20: Mean Old China Gets Great PR from University of Illinois Admissions Scandal
- 18: Swag
- 18: Archives
- 17: National Lampoon\’s Community College Vacation – sort of
- 16: NCAA Experiments with Millennial-Friendly Win-Win Policy
- 14: Freshman Orientation Programs Overtake God in Perceived Ability to Fix Everything in the World
- 14: Staff Member Marries the Rules in Campus Chapel
- 14: State University System of New York Rewrites General Education Mission
- 13: National Coming Out Day Considers Including Closeted Michael Jackson Fans
- 13: Employer Sells Out to that Entitled Millennial Grad
- 12: Call for Programs: National FME-CSP Conference
- 12: Nine Universities Update Curricula to Include 1-Credit CYA Course
- 11: Public Demands Higher Ed Reform. Doesn’t Understand What the &^*# Colleges are Doing.
- 11: Math Researchers Discover Diversity Really Is a Number
- 09: Contact Us
- 09: Conferences
- 09: Students Elated by Announcement of “Real” Commencement Speaker
- 09: Universities Sanctioned by NCAA for Replacing Racist Masots with Stupid Alternatives.
- 09: Students shocked to learn that professors have visual capabilities in the classroom
- 09: About
June 2009
- 30: Available Immediately: Director of Student Activities, Tufts University
- 30: College Lesson from MJ’s Death: B-List Media Whores Are Scary, but Shouldn’t Keep You from Homework
- 29: Director of Admissions (Dangerously Close to Anticipated), University of Cambridge
- 28: Anticipated Opening: President, Jacksonville State University, Alabama
- 27: College Lesson from MJ’s Death: B-List Media Whores Are Scary, but Shouldn’t Keep You from Homework
- 23: Hustler Magazine Rumored to be Savior in City College of San Francisco Bailout
- 19: Students Must Return Orientation Safety Magnets as Act of Contrition
- 17: Employees with Douchebag Spouses Wait Nervously for UNLV Decision
- 10: Rates of Faculty Alcoholism Decline as Popularity of PowerPoint Reaches Record High
- 09: Vermont College of Arts Sets New Standard for Sensitivity with Organism Weekend
